X-mas Survival Quiz
In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good
feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you
have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of
bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz
and find out.
PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS
1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you...
A.jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!"
B.jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!"
C.grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..."
A."a gada da vida."
B."top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..."
C."Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!"
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A.An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B.Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C.A reindeer, stupid!
4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this
B.He's got a facial tick!
C.He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants!
5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?
A.About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood.
B.Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter.
C.When all the little boys and girls are asleep.
PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS
6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts.
What do you do?
A.Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be
fairly empty, right?
B.Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they
C.Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka!
7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with
A.why you don't believe in G-d anymore.
8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to
A.turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.
B.say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted.
C.lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't
remember a thing in the morning.
9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we
now our gay apparrel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits
that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with
someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You...
A.Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.
B.Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that
G-d will punish him.
C.start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it.
10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas
A.It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it.
B.It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video
left in the store.
C.ID4 (Independence Day)... because all the kids will side with you
and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.
SCORING THE QUIZ:
As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and
5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.
In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in
for a bad X-mas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister"
kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time
for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it.
You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift
too. You're going to need it.
You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that
will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final
simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that
counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt.