Women's Secret Language

 The most widely used language in the world has neither name nor
 dictionary. It crosses the bounds of all known dialects. I have
 discovered that all women of all ages are able to speak it, and am
 revealing what little I know of it to menfolk everywhere.
 This secret language is a strange combination of words, intonations,
 faint eyebrow-lifting and well-placed pauses by which women can even
 exchange insults in such a manner that the male thinks they are
 complimenting each other. They can make the male believe that a woman
 they are discussing is their bosom friend, when in reality, they're
 ripping her to shreds.
 It's also useful to them in awkward social situations. For example,
 the hostess decides that it's time for y'all to go home. Maybe the
 hostess will say "Can't I give you just one more drink (pause) before
 (pause) you go." The man of course is ready to state his preference
 for drinks, the woman knows it's past time to leave. It was the
 pauses, placed exactly right that did it.
 In this same vein, the pause is the key to saying "no way". When Mrs.
 Jones telephones Mrs. Smith to say that her four spinster cousins have
 just arrived from Medicine Hat, North Dakota and that she'd like to
 bring them to the cocktail party, Mrs. Smith doesn't have to say "over
 my dead body sister". All she does is say "Oh ! (pause) yes, bring
 them (pause) by all means." With the careful use of both pauses and
 inflection, that lets Mrs. Jones know that unless she never wants
 another invitation in her lifetime, she'd better get the cousins a
 bottle of blackberry cordial and leave them at home.
 Another technique which men most often miss is the reverse meaning
 statement. How many men have had to sleep on the couch after believing
 his wife really meant "I don't want a thing for my birthday." This
 gentlemen is her ancient mother tongue whether spoken in English or
 Hindu. What it really means is: "I haven't seen you trying to sneak in
 any packages. Don't you dare forget my birthday."
 See ??? And all you men, you thought that when one woman said to
 another, "Oh, dear heart..." she was being sweet and motherly, when in
 effect she's saying "My God... are you really that stupid woman ?"
 Beware too of believing any woman who carefully chooses her words. For
 example, one woman telling another "Oh (pause) don't you look sweet"
 means about the same thing as asking her if she shopped at the Thrift
 Shop for her outfit.
 The same is true when one woman has just been shown up by another, or
 been caught in a mistake or social faux pas. She will reply something
 to the effect: "Oh (pause) my goodness. Aren't you just too much ? Why
 poor lil' ole me, I never would have thought of that."
 And to make it even more confusing to us poor males, the tone changes
 the meaning of any word at all. Take the simple statement: "I think
 she's very nice."
    * a flat monotone indicates she's a total bore
    * a belligerent tone indicates she's a slut
    * emphasis on the word "think" means the lady's a mystery woman
    * emphasis on the word "very" means she's a phony
    * emphasis on the words "very" and "nice" indicates the woman has
 Now let's compound the problem and have the same woman raise her left
 eybrow as she sez "I think she's very nice." This means that the woman
 being discussed has been sleeping with all of the husbands of the
 women listening.
 The rule seems to be all women participating must never let the male
 know or even suspect what's going on. Thus, no woman would ever reply
 to an insult to her outfit with anything but "Why I think your dress
 is very nice too. If fact, my maiden Aunt had one just like it."
 While this hidden language does make things complicated for the
 female, it has many obvious advantages. But men, if you think you'd
 like to learn it, I can only suggest that you take up Sanskrit
 instead. You'd find it much easier to learn.

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