Valley-Girl Spontaneously Combusts
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA - Brittany d'Angelus, a 17 year old Junior from
Valley High School, spontaneously caught fire today when her brain short
circuited because of a bet that she had made with her parents. According to
Jessica, who is Brittany's best friend's sister's cousin, "This is like so
horrible. Brittany's parents like full-on bet Brittany like that she could
not go a whole day without like saying the word 'like'. They like told her
that if she like won the bet they would like buy her a BMW. Brittany like
thought that it would be like a piece of cake."
Needless to say, Brittany found it difficult to communicate without using
the word 'like'. According to Jessica, "When Brittany like got to school,
she like sounded like a total loser. She had to like think before she like
said anything. Then when she would like talk she would like say things like,
'Hello Jessica. How are you this morning?' Can you like believe it. She was
like a total nerd."
Brittany's frustrations compounded throughout the day and hit a critical
level during lunch break. It was at that time that Brittany and her friends
were standing around gossiping. Brittany was fighting to find the right
words to describe last night's encounter with the cutest guy on campus when
she began flailing her arms erratically. Her head started shaking violently
and her eyes rolled back. Then a sound like the ignition of a gas BBQ was
heard. Brittany's friends screamed in horror when they realized that she had
spontaneously caught fire. One of Brittany's girlfriends acted quickly and
threw her boyfriend's letterman jacket over Brittany and rolled her in the
grass to put the fire out.
Firefighters who rushed to the scene told BNN that Brittany's burns were not
serious. Said Fire Captain Bill, "The quick thinking of Brittany's friend
saved her life. If the fire had burned just a few seconds longer, the flames
could have reached the oxygen tank inside of Brittany's skull causing an
Brittany was taken to a local hospital and is expected to make a full
recovery. There is no word yet on whether Brittany's parents will be charged
in this case.