An Unorthodox Chanukah Quiz

1.  Chanukah is known as
        a.  The Festival of Lights
        b.  The Holiday of Rededication
        c.  The Jewish Christmas
        d.  The Yiddish Ramadan

2.  The heroes of the holiday of Chanukah lived in
        a.  Ancient Palestine
        b.  Ancient Israel
        c.  The Occupied Territories
        d.  The Liberated Territories
        e.  A three floor walk-up in Jerusalem

3.  The Jews of the time of the first Chanukah worshipped
        a.  At the Holy Temple in Jerusalem
        b.  At a less holy temple about ten miles west of Jerusalem
        c.  Wherever they could get High Holiday tickets
        d.  All of the above

4.  Suddenly, a new, cruel leader (what else is new?) came to power
     in Syria, whose name was
        a.  Hafiz al-Assad
        b.  Yassir Arafat
        c.  Antiochus
        d.  Antisemite
        e.  Antibody

5.  This evil leader abruptly commanded the Jews of his kingdom to
        a.  Eat pig
        b.  Eat at McDonald's
        c.  Eat everything on their plates
        d.  Become idol worshippers
        e.  Become idle

6.  There arose a brave elder among the Jewish people who helped to
     lead a revolt against the Syrians, whose name was
        a.  Mattathias
        b.  Mattityahu
        c.  Matthew
        d.  Matt
        e.  Merwin
        f.  Mud
        g.  His name would have been Mud had he lost

7.  Mattityahu (what a relief-that's the answer to #6) had sons by
     the names of
        a.  Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo
        b.  Huey, Dewey and Louis
        c.  Jacob, Joey, Jeremy and Christopher (his wife became less
            traditional as she grew older)
        d.  dah, and I'm not sure of the others

8.  The last name of this glorious family was
        a.  Marx (see #7a)
        b.  Duck (see #7b)
        c.  Abu ben Amir (it wasn't easy to be a Jew in those days)
        d.  Callaghan (it's not easy today)
        e.  Maccabee
9.  The town in which the heroic family lived was
        a.  Modin
        b.  Mahwah
        c.  Crown Heights
        d.  Farfallen Heights
        e.  Wayne
        f.  Passaic Park

10. The name "Maccabee" (you wait long enough, you get most of the
     answers) translates to mean
        a.  "May the Lord be with us, 'caus, if He's not, we're in big

        b.  "Son of a Star"
        c.  "Son of a Gun"
        d.  "Nails," because the Maccabees nailed the Syrian army

11. Where did the Jews fight the Syrians?
        a.  At Entebbe
        b.  At Natanya
        c.  Through thick and thin
        d.  With blood, sweat and tears
        e.  On the streets
        f.  On the beaches

12. After many long and agonizing battles, the Jews defeated their
     oppressors.  The final score of the war was
        a.  Maccabees 9, Syrians 2
        b.  Maccabees 613, Syrians 0
        c.  Maccabees 11, Maccabees 1

13. In order to purify the Holy Temple, the Jews had to
        a.  Get a good cleaning person who would do floors
        b.  Get a good cleaning person who would do walls and windows
            too (now that's a miracle!)
        c.  Get rid of the chazar-fleisch
        d.  Get some oil

14. The oil the Maccabees found was sufficient for only
        a.  One day
        b.  Seven days
        c.  Seven days in Israel, eight in the Diaspora (go figure)

15  But there was a great miracle, as the oil used for resanctifying
     the Temple ended up lasting
        a.  Until it needed an oil change
        b.  Twelve days
        c.  Twelve days, but for you, eight days

16. Hannah was a heroine of the first Chanukah, who had
        a.  Five daughters
        b.  No, it was Tevye the Dairyman who had five daughters
        c.  Seven sons
        d.  Six sons
        e.  Five sons
        f.  Four sons

17. One of the great coincidences of history is that
        a.  Chanukah begins on the 25th day of the Hebrew month Kislev
        b.  Christmas takes place on the 25th day of the Julian  month
            of December
        c.  Chanukah and charoset (from Passover) both start with "ch"
18. Among the Talmudic rulings on this holiday is that
        a.  The lamp must be lit at sunset
        b.  The lamp should be placed outside the entrance of one's
        c.  The lamp should be set on a window nearest the street
        d.  Your fire insurance should be paid up every year by the
            beginning of Kislev
        e.  Chanukah used to be the day before Tu B'Shvat but the
            rabbis moved it to avoid forest fires

19. Jewish women are obligated to also kindle the Chanukah lamp
        a.  They were included in the miracle, according to Tractate
            Shabbat, 21b
        b.  They were threatening to picket the Holy Temple according
            to the to feminist magazine Lilith, page 21

20. One of the major debates in the Talmud involves
        a.  The House of Shammai suggesting that we light eight lights
            on the first night of Chanukah, and then one less each
            following night
        b.  The House of Hillel suggesting that we light one light on
            the first night, and then one more each following night
        c.  The House of Eisenstat suggesting that we swallow some
            bicarbonate of soda after devouring too many greasy latkes
        d.  The House of Weinrib suggesting that we swallow some Alka
            Seltzer after devouring too many greasy latkes (The latter

            was disallowed when it was discovered that the House of
            Weinrib owned 51 percent of Alka Seltzer shares)

21. Because Chanukah is considered such a joyous holiday, Jews are
        a.  Forbidden to eulogize the dead
        b.  Forbidden to fast
        c.  Forbidden to cover their neighbor's Christmas lights,
            especially since the concept was stolen from the holiday
            of Chanukah, anyway

22. The special Al-Hanissim prayer is added to religious services
     and the Grace After Meals during the eight days of Chanukah.
     It translates as
        a.  "Thanks for the Miracles."
        b.  "Thanks for the Memories"
        c.  Yes, Bob Hope actually entertained the Maccabean troops

23. According to the Encyclopedia Judaica, there were many
     communities in the  Middle Ages where Jewish women were forbidden
     to work while the Chanukah lights were burning.  This reportedly
     led many rabbis of the era to
        a.  Move to another community that followed a different
        b.  Push for a one or two day Chanukah
        c.  Use far less oil in their lamps
        d.  Use much shorter candles

24. A long-accepted tradition of Jews around the world is for the
     parents to give their children
        a.  Chanukah gelt (money), over the eight days of the holiday
        b.  Jewish guilt (often over money), over the twelve months
            until the next Chanukah

25. On the holiday of Chanukah, millions of Jews all over the world
        a.  Spin the dreidel
        b.  Hang the mistletoe
        c.  Stuff the stocking
        d.  Decorate the tree
        e.  We really have to do something about assimilation
            (which was what the Maccabean revolt was all about)

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