Spoiled Food Test:
How to Tell When Foodstuffs Should Be Discarded
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night.
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -- or
wrecked, anyway -- by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
It should not taste like salad dressing.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it
has gone bad.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.