Spoiled Food Test:
How to Tell When Foodstuffs Should Be Discarded




	THE GAG TEST
		Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from 
		what you cooked for yourself last night.

	EGGS
		When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is 
		probably past its prime.

	DAIRY PRODUCTS
		Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled 
		when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled 
		when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing 
		but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is 
		already.

	MAYONNAISE
		If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.

	FROZEN FOODS
		Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting 
		problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -- or 
		wrecked, anyway -- by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

	MEAT
		If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
		radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

	LETTUCE
		Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the 
		vegetable crisper without Comet.

	CANNED GOODS
		Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball 
		should be disposed of. Carefully.

	CARROTS
		A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

	WINE
		It should not taste like salad dressing.

	POTATOES
		Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

	CHIP DIP
		If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it 
		has gone bad.

	GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: 
		Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster. 
		Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.







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