Scientifically Explained 'Night Before X-mas'


'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
 annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
 kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
 potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as
 Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
 edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
 pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
 philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific
 title,of St. Nicholas.

 The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
 accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
 hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
 through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
 nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage
 of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion
 of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I
 felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
 the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

 Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the
 fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
 reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous
 precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
 itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a
 miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive
 specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur
 so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that
 he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power
 traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
 than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
 musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet
 by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al.
 - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through
 which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of
 each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

 As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
 performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved
 - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the
 smoke passage.  He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the
 ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had
 accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor
 I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he
 bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

 His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
 submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
 amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
 were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
 former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
 latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub-
 and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot,
 and their ambient hirstute facial adornment appeared like small,
 tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

 Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray
 fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
 of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
 it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent
 abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit
 syrup in a hemispherical container.

 Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
 aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from
 his  aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
 Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face,
 placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
 organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking,
 and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the
 smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his
 conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted
 oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded
 to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the
 seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting
 exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond
 the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary
 constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest
 wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable
 period between sunset and dawn."








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