How to Tell if You're a Grinch

Paul Reale

This is the second of the essential personality tests to prepare you
misfit readers for your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your
own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to
replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets
or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer
(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for
each piece of sticky candy).  If you put out a chocolate or marzipan
Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K
Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends
(5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on
Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are
stuck in a phone booth..

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies
for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff
for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern
California only, others ignore:  5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are
dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially
produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15
points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite
no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

     20-30:  You are just a cheeseball.

     30-50:  You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
		wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

     50-100:  Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has

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