The Extremely Reform Passover Haggadah

from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew

	. . . The Extremely Reform Story of Exodus. Here the leader of the Seder and 
	the guests take turns reading aloud the biblical account of the miraculous 

	In the beginning our ancestors prayed to many gods. As it is written: "In days 
	of old, our forefathers lived beyond the river and worshipped idols. And to walk 
	humbly with thy god involved lugging around a heavy statue. Now we worship the 
	Eternal, because of His covenant with our father Abraham. For the Holy One said 
	unto Abraham: 'You will worship me and only me. In exchange, thy children will 
	be strangers in a land not their own. They will be enslaved there and be 
	afflicted for four hundred years. And by the way, you are all going to have to 
	be circumcised. Any questions?'" 

	Raise the cup of wine. 

	And this covenant has sustained us, for more than once they have risen up against 
	us and tried to destroy us, in every generation they try to destroy us, but the 
	Holy One, blessed be He, always delivers us, though not right away, as it is 
	written: "Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery." 

	Put down the cup. 

	A wandering Aramean was my father. It made for a difficult childhood. But enough 
	about my problems. For it came to pass that Jacob and his sons went down to Egypt, 
	as it is written: "And Jacob said to Pharaoh, to sojourn in the land we have come, 
	for there is no pasture for our flocks, since the famine is sore upon the face of 
	Canaan." And Pharaoh said, "I had sores like that once. You should spend less time 
	in the sun." 

	And the children of Israel were fruitful and increased abundantly and waxed mighty, 
	as it is written: "And the children of Israel mightily increased the abundance of 
	waxed fruit." 

	And the Egyptians did evil unto us, as it is written: "And Pharaoh said unto his 
	taskmasters, 'The children of Israel are waxing too much fruit. Let us do evil 
	unto them.'" 

	And we cried unto the Eternal, the God of our fathers, and the Eternal heard our 
	voice, and He saw our affliction, and our toil, and our oppression. And He said 
	unto us, "If thou thinkest this is bad, wait till thou seeest what happens to 

	But God remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob and he 
	said unto His people: "A covenant is a covenant. I will rescue you and bring you 
	to the land of milk and honey, which is not as sticky as it sounds." 

	And the Eternal brought us forth from Egypt, not by the hand of an angel, not 
	by the hand of a seraph, not by the hand of a messenger, not by the hand of 
	Alan Dershowitz, but by Himself, in His glory and in His Self, as it is 
	written: "And I will pass through the land of Egypt on that night, and I will 
	smite all the first-born in the land of Egypt, both man and beast, and against 
	all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment. It is I the Eternal and not an 
	angel, I and not a seraph, I and not a messenger, I and not Alan Dershowitz." 

	And the children of Israel girded up their loins and wrapped sackcloth around 
	them, for no particular reason. And then the children of Israel took coconuts 
	and almonds and chocolates and egg whites before they had leavened and bound 
	them up in their clothing. And they made macaroons of the coconuts and almonds 
	and chocolates and egg whites which they had brought forth from Egypt, as it 
	is written: "Bake for 20 minutes or until brown; let stand; serve when cool." 
	For they were thrust out of Egypt and could not tarry, neither had they 
	prepared for themselves any toll house cookies.

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