Politically Correct Megillah



Chapter I

And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King
of Persia, that the King threw a great party.  And it was during that
party, that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti
to come dance naked in front of the guests.  Now, Vashti was a liberated
woman, and was not at all ashamed to display her body in public ("my
body, my choice," she used to say).  But she was certainly not going to
do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband.  So she
refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major
hangover, Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting
for him.  Public opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was
forced to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum of money.

Chapter II

It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to
find a new wife.  He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in
accordance with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others,
one woman, one Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who
was also rumored to be gay.  One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested
holding a beauty contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the
land.  But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan was a
Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where men
gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of
fashion.  Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as
physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would be
made queen.  And the King, already lagging in the public opinion polls,
had no choice, and he said to make it so.

Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a
young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more
importantly, had a 195 IQ.  Having successfully sued her parents for
termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai.
Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the new queen.  Only, the
homosexual community objected the word "queen", and the feminists didn't
like the whole gender-based title thing, so it was decided that she
would just be called "Royal Person."  So Esther was crowned Royal Person
of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own
last name.   And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own
right, and had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the
King looking pretty, she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in
the west wing of the palace.

Chapter III

It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor
Haman to be his chief advisor.  There were some protests by the
African-Persian community because he hadn't selected an African Persian
to be his top advisor, by the appointment went through anyway.  It
turned out the Haman was a big anti-Semite, and he asked the King's
permission to kill all the Jews, which he got.  So Haman sent out a
proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan.
Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from
sending it.  But Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil
Liberties Union, who ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that
the injunction would violate Haman's right to free speech.  And the
injunction was not issued, so the proclamation was sent.

Chapter IV

And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black
ribbon as a sign of morning.  And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai
to console him, but he would not be consoled.  Then Mordechai sent word
back to Esther that she should go the King and ask him to stop the
impending killing of all the Jews.  Esther replied that other social
issues, such as the environment and harassment in the workplace were
more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency of the
matter, and she agreed.  Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to
synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that
was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational
candlelight vigil, and it was so.

Chapter V

And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest
business suit and went to see the King.  The King offered Esther up to
half his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway,
based on their pre-nup.  Esther told the King that she had come to
invite him and Haman to a big party she was throwing the next day.  The
King was very excited, and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person
Esther's party.  The King, for his part, was careful not to violate the
out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there was none of
that "dance naked" stuff that night.  The party was a big hit, with
performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streissand.  And
Esther informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her
next party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard.  Upon
leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined
his night.  Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall
and ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day.  She further
advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife."  And he built
the gallows.

Chapter VI

That night, the King had trouble sleeping.  He called for his servants
to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his
stag films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti
debacle, all they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and
produced by Robert Redford.  So they brought him the royal archives
instead, and there he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few
years back.  Just then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do
for someone to whom he owed a favor.  Haman suggested maybe an
ambassadorship to some insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe
letting him spend a night in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom."  But the
King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai around on a horse throughout
the streets of Shushan.   However, the animal rights activists got wind
of the King's plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided that Haman
would just lead Mordechai around on foot.  And it was so.  When he was
done leading Mordechai around, Haman walked home, despondent.  But no
sooner had he returned home than the King's messengers arrived to bring
him to Esther's second party.  Haman's wife realized that her husband
was doomed and commented that she had always known he wound never amount
to anything.

Chapter VII

And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther.  And it
was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that
someone in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other
Jews.  "Who is that man?" yelled the King.  To which Esther replied
"What makes you so sure it's a man?  You don't think that a women is
capable of killing all the Jewish people?"  After an awkward silence,
Esther told the King that is was, in fact, a man, and it was none other
than his chief advisor Haman!  The King stormed out in a fit a rage and
meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life.  He
told her how he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a
crack-selling mother and had never had a normal childhood.  Esther
declared Haman to be a product of society's failure to protect its
children.  So Haman's crime of "attempted genocide" was reduced to
"issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given the
relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years.  After serving just
two years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and
paroled.  And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman
as their mayor, his being a felon notwithstanding.  Meanwhile, Esther
convinced the King to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings
of hostility towards women, and the King entered a 12-step program and
when he was through, his anger had subsided.

Chapter VIII

That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she to