The Not-So-Secret Male Handbook
1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the
true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except
for emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is
2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself
crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy
3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including
the emergency listed in Rule 1.
4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever
she mentions "love" or "commitment."
5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs.
Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her,
when you're with your friends.
7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get
tickets to the matches.
8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.
9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't
possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.
10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about
the size of her, um...
11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the
shower) or don't show up at all.
12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match
with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but
neglect to tell your significant other until the day before.
When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she
kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and
watch wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of -- you
know how she loves them!
15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how
red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you're staying with her.
16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets
injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.
18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse
to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and
look cool, right?
19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars
or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets
you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
20. Blame everything on PMS.