The Not-So-Secret Male Handbook


	1.  Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
	    acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the 
	    true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except 
	    for emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is 
	    on fire.

	2.  Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself 
	    crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy 
	    some milk.

	3.  Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including
            the emergency listed in Rule 1.

	4.  Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever 
	    she mentions "love" or "commitment."

	5.  Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. 
	    Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.

	6.  Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, 
	    when you're with your friends.

	7.  Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get 
	    tickets to the matches.

	8.  Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.

	9.  Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't
	    possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.

	10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about 
	    the size of her, um...

	11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the 
	    shower) or don't show up at all.

	12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.

	13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match 
	    with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but 
	    neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. 
	    When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she 
	    kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and 
	    watch wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.

	14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of -- you 
	    know how she loves them!

	15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how 
	    red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be 
	    grateful that you're staying with her.

	16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets 
	    injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the 
	    emergency room.

	17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.

	18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse 
	    to dance.  Besides, you're just there to stand around and 
	    look cool, right?

	19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars 
	    or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets 
	    you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

	20. Blame everything on PMS.







Back to Lori's Humor Page