Eight-Pound Man Removed from Woman's Vagina

from The Onion

ALBUQUERQUE, NM -- In a bizarre case that has baffled medical
professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veteran's
Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of
an area woman's vagina Monday.

The unusually small man, who has refused to identify himself or give a
reason for his presence in the vagina, was extremely disoriented
throughout the incident, and, according to eyewitnesses, was "nude and
covered in blood and gore."  Though the man strenuously resisted rescue
attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel, he has not
yet been charged with any crime.

The woman, Ruth Hessman, a 33-year-old systems analyst from nearby
Plovis, was admitted to Veteran's Memorial Hospital late Sunday night
complaining of strange, repeated abdominal pains and contractions
occurring at regular intervals.  When the painful episodes were five
minutes apart, her husband drove her to the hospital.

"We get all kinds of strange things here in the emergency unit," said
Dr. Carlos Mendoza, a surgeon at Veteran's General, "but this was
something new.  At first glance, Mrs. Hessman appeared to be obese, but
upon closer examination, it became apparent that she was actually
suffering from severe abdominal distension.  After she described her
painful symptoms, we conducted an examination of her vagina.  Imagine
our shock and surprise when we discovered that there, looking back at
us, was a tiny human head."

After overcoming their initial shock, doctors discovered that the
grotesque miniature head belonged to a small man.  The attending
physicians performed emergency surgery to forcibly remove him, and
notified local police.

"At this time, we have no idea how this man came to be situated within
the woman's vagina, or what motivation he might have had for being
there," said Albuquerque police chief Burke Manning.  "His dazed state,
public defecating and lack of clothing suggest that he is a mentally ill
homeless man who was seeking shelter.  Yet it's hard to believe that
someone so feeble and mentally disturbed would be capable of such an
intrusion.  We have not ruled out the possibility that he had help."

Manning is advising Albuquerque residents to stay calm.  "This is likely
an isolated event," he said.  "But we are nevertheless considering
conducting a search of all area vaginas to see if any more small, naked
men are on the prowl."

The eight-pound man has thus far refused to cooperate with police,
responding to all questions with strange gurgling noises.  He is also
prone to sudden, violent mood swings, resting peacefully one moment and
wailing uncontrollably the next.  Adding to the difficulty of
establishing the man's identity is his almost complete lack of
fingerprints and teeth, making a match with federal records impossible.

"This man seems to have undergone some sort of massive trauma within the
last 24 hours which has, in effect, wiped his memory clean and turned
his mind into a blank slate," Mendoza said.  "To be honest, this case
couldn't be any weirder if a stork had dropped him out of the sky."

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