Worst Gifts a Man can buy a Woman

	1.   	Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something 
		that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a 
		blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they 
		advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of 
		you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is 
		a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and 
		who needs a man.  Another wise choice is a new washing machine 
		with a turbo spin cycle.  (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast 
		when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up 
		smiling the rest of the day.)
	2.   	Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of 
		Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a 
		while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet 
		bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have 
		faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about
		what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had 
		the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart. 

 	3.   	Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set 
		of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against 
		you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a 
		"night out with the boys." 

	4.   	Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her.  
		"Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I 
		bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling 
		a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking 
		she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you 
		probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

	5.   	Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with 
		a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character 
		nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the 
		sexy woman that she is.   Take out that wallet and buy her 
		something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your 
	6.   	No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, 
		which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your 
		dirty socks. If you are going to  buy her perfume, spring for the 
		brand names.
	7.   	Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping 
		Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off 
		that fabulous diamond to her  friends and tries to cut glass with 
		it. (We actually test them you know.)  Also, now would not be a 
		good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you 
		always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry 
		and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she 
		decides to show them off to your buddies.)

	8.   	Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute  
		you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you 
		might if you are a  transvestite, but all in all, believe me, 
		she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and 
		mumbling under her breath, "where the hell would I ever wear 
		this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional 
		hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your 
		golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of 
		the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like 
		wearing white after Labor Day. 

	9.   	Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight 
		Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who 
		have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look 
		fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it 
		and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent 
		treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would 
		actually look  forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring 
		a Chippendale dancer as a  personal trainer to get her motivated 
		into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout stretching to 
		the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string.  I'm not 
		sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
	10.  	Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a 
		book on "How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday." These 
		are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for 
		seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand 
		up in court of law.

Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page