Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

Dec. 1
  Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn
  upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec. 2
  Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message
  for answering machine.
Dec. 3
  Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion
  cat-o'-nine-tails.  Flog gardener.
Dec. 4
  Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives,
  so that they're all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.
Dec. 5
  Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Dec. 6
  Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
Dec. 7
  Debug Windows 97.
Dec. 10
  Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
Dec. 11
  Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
Dec. 12
  Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove
  air, replace with nitrogen.
Dec. 13
  Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry
  cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Dec. 14
  Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec. 15
  Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case
  tires are shot out at the mall.
Dec. 17
   Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
Dec. 19
   Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the
   same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec. 20
   Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar
   to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec. 21
   Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
Dec. 22
   Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Dec. 23
   Seed clouds for White Christmas.
Dec. 24
   Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
   last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less
   inadequate than they really are.
Dec. 25
   Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
   homemade potpourri.
Dec. 26
   Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas.
   Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends
   and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and
Dec. 27
   Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec. 29
   Enter Style Invitational; win.
Dec. 31
   New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
   Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes
   midnight in that country.

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