A Look Ahead: Some Predictions for 1999

by Joe Lavin

January 1999

In the House of Representatives, impeachment proceedings begin 
against Vice President Al Gore. The fact that Gore is not actually 
President and that the House Judiciary Committee hasn't yet come up 
with a crime to charge him with is viewed as only a minor technicality. 
"These are very grave offenses that Mr. Gore has committed *whatever 
they may be* and it is very important that we investigate them as soon 
as possible." Republican Speaker of the House and third-in-line to the 
Presidency, Denny "Who the hell is he" Hastert says. 

"Plus, this way, if Clinton is thrown out of office, we'll be ready 
to impeach Gore right away." He adds. 

February 1999

The Senate ends the impeachment trial and allows Clinton to 
remain in office. At the same time, British and American troops 
attack Iraq. "Oops, sorry, we were thinking we'd better attack 
Iraq again just in case we got bad news from the Senate, and 
then when we got the good news we forgot to cancel the attack. 
Sorry. My bad." President Clinton tells the American people in a 
televised speech.

March 1999

"Film Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" wins seven 
Oscars including Best Picture. This touching six hour story about 
a small boy searching for his pet dog Sparky wins in every 
category in which it was nominated, despite being screened at 
only two theaters. Few are surprised at the outcome, as "Film 
Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" is a hit with 
almost all critics. "Two thumbs up." Siskel and Ebert exclaim. 
"We loved it even though we're in Chicago and couldn't see it." 

Meanwhile, Jerry Springer wins Best Actor for his role in 
"Ringmaster." "I am so happy. This is a vindication of all my life's 
work." Springer says in the acceptance speech he gives from the 
location of his new film, "When Hell Freezes Over."

April 1999
In a surprise ruling, the Justice Department loses its anti-trust 
case against Microsoft. U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield 
Jackson rules that Microsoft must be commended for at least 
trying to allow competition by making products that just about 
everyone hates. "This is a great day for the entire Microsoft 
family." Microsoft founder Bill Gates says in a statement after the 
ruling. "Rest assured, we will continue to make inferior products 
for several years to come."

May 1999

Saddam Hussein finally surrenders after a surprise British and 
American attack. "Since when does Clinton attack when he's not 
in the middle of a scandal?" Iraqi U.N. envoy Nizar Hamdoon 
asks. "Until now, we always knew when to expect an invasion, 
but if he's going to attack any time instead of just during 
Presidential crises, how can we possibly prepare for the 
attacks? We have no choice but to surrender."

June 1999

In its first day of trading, Cyber Online Industries finishes up an 
astounding 967% to close at 453 1/8. The company, formed 
only a day earlier, breaks all trading records, despite never 
having recorded a profit. "The Internet is a growth industry, and 
Cyber Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come. 
It's a must buy." C. Arthur Jones, Financial Analyst for Merrill 
Lynch, says. 

And exactly what does Cyber Online do? "Beats me. Do I look 
like some sorta computer geek?" Mr. Jones further explains. 
"Nevertheless, the Internet is a growth industry, and Cyber 
Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come. It's a 
must buy."

July 1999

Morale in the NBA is at an all time low as the NBA lockout 
enters its second year. "This is my livelihood. If I don't start 
making money soon, how will I pay off the mortgage on my fifth 
mansion?" One depressed player asks. Still, he admits that there 
has been a bright side to the lockout. "At least this year I've 
been able to spend some of my free time with all my illegitimate 
children whose child support I don't pay. That's really made it 

Meanwhile, the Miami Heat pay their new janitor Rusty Miller 
$37.4 million over three years. "Well, heck, I'm just so used to 
giving out big contracts that I couldn't stop myself." Miami Heat 
President Pat Riley admits. 

August 1999

Princess Diana is still dead. All major television networks 
interrupt their lowest rated programming in order to cover this 
breaking news story. 

September 1999
Another sex scandal breaks out in Washington when President 
Clinton is discovered having an affair with a porn star. Despite 
the new scandal, Clinton's approval levels hit an all time high. 
Meanwhile, the religious right is shocked  when accusations 
surface that Speaker of the House Hastert once thought about 
renting a pornographic video. In the face of such accusations, 
Hastert has no choice but to resign, "Even though I never lied 
under oath about this, I must set the proper example by resigning 
my office." Hastert says in a speech before the House. Clinton's 
approval ratings go higher.

October 1999

Amidst several loud screams and the occasional suicide from the 
electorate, the 2000 Presidential campaign begins in earnest. 
Nobody in the country is quite sure who is running because they 
are all too afraid to turn on the news.

November 1999

Several prominent lawyers sue the U.S. Government after 
officials announce that the Year 2000 problem may not be as 
bad as previously thought. "Damnit! I was planning to make all 
sorts of money off Y2K lawsuits. It's not fair of them to solve 
everything. Now how will I make a living? God forbid I might be 
forced to do something useful." One angry lawyer complains.

December 1999

The good news is that the new millennium arrives without the 
world coming to an end. However, something even worse 
happens instead. Monica Lewinsky gets her very own talk show 
on Fox.

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