How to Give Your Cat a Pill

	1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as 
		if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice 
		kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 

	2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 

	3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left 
		hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its 
		mouth with right forefinger. 
	4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse 
		to get new cat.) 

	5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in 
		bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your 
		torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open 
		cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. 
		Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see 
		what you're doing. That's just as well. 

	6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 

	7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 

	8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat 
		and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, 
		anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops! 

	9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing 
		claws are causing the chaos. 

	10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on 

	11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 

	12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 

	13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to 
		flatten cat.) 

	14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman. 

	15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth 
		at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 

	16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 

	17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 
	18. Take two aspirins and lie down. Take extended rest. 

Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page