Generic Disaster Movie Script


  (The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having
  breakfast with her adorable son.)

  HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day!  No sign of any disasters!
  SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
  HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.

  (The phone rings.)

  HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to tell
  me about an impending disaster!
  LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
  HEROINE : I'll be right there!  (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and be
  vulnerable.
  SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and
  placing me in grave danger?
  HEROINE : Of course!

  (We see an exterior shot of the White House.  Inside, the president,
  looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)

  PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
  VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
  PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
  SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster is
  going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all
  directions.
  PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes!  Why so long?
  SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
  GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
  PRESIDENT : Why?
  GENERAL : I hate Houston.
  PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking.  I want
  you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the laboratory
  immediately and develop a romance interest with the heroine.  If this
  movie is rated ``R,'' she can show her breasts.
  HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

  (The next scene is in the laboratory.  The hero and heroine are staring
  intently at a computer screen.)

  HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the three
  of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

  (A lab worker rushes up.)

  LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
  in the cosine range!
  HERO : What does that mean?
  HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish.  But it's time for the
  disaster!  And my son is home alone!

  (The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood.  People are screaming;
  miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

  HEROINE : This is terrible!  Thousands of people are being killed!
  HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
  SON : Help!  Help!
  HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
  SON : No, it's Bobby!
  HEROINE : Oh, right.
  HERO : I'll save him!
  HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

  (The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

  HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
  SON : With Val Kilmer?  I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.
  HERO : He wasn't available.

  (The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
  relieved.)

  PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
  characters survived except the minority sidekick!

  (The Cabinet applauds.)

  GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
  PRESIDENT: OK by me.

  (THE END)







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