Millions Shoot Their Mouths Off in America!

	WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- The U.S. Congress last week implemented a
	unified fireworks code, replacing the county-by-county laws that have
	created so much confusion in the past, and the results over the Fourth
	of July weekend were encouraging.  The new code, otherwise known as the
	UFC, was the brainchild of Attorney General Janet Reno, and she
	explained it thus:  "According to the UFC, EVERYTHING IS LEGAL.  You can
	shoot anything you want, AS LONG AS IT'S IN ONE OF YOUR BODY CAVITIES.
	Anyone violating the law -- say, by shooting a Roman candle while it's
	not inside a bodily orifice -- was trussed up snugly by a uniformed
	Fireworks Misuse Officer and given a demonstration of the proper
	procedure, using a comparable firework from our vast collection seized
	in raids."  Fireworks stand owners nationwide complained that sales were
	slow, and the phrase "Uhm, do you have anything smaller?" was heard
	everywhere.  The injury total for the weekend was as follows:

	                   Mouth injuries:      93,712
	                   Nostril injuries:    36,178
	                   Rectal injuries:     15,420
	                   Vaginal injuries:     5,923
	                   Ear injuries:           385
	                   Navel injuries:          76
	                   Urethral injuries:        8
	                   Eye socket injuries:      1