Definitions for the Family

Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly
	her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably
	brilliant grandchildren.

Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.

Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for
	snapshots.

Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

Child -- a lump bred up in darkness.

Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your
	mother.

Uncle -- a relative who only seem to like you when he needs something
	done for him.

Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted.

Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he 
	married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds 
	her of why her husband married her.

Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice,
	history, and judgments.

Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the
	wedding because now his wife another man to harass.