Definitions for the Family
Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly
her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably
Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for
Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.
Child -- a lump bred up in darkness.
Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your
Uncle -- a relative who only seem to like you when he needs something
done for him.
Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted.
Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he
married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds
her of why her husband married her.
Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.
Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice,
history, and judgments.
Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the
wedding because now his wife another man to harass.