Doublespeak


	Who says we're not getting too politically correct? 
	Here are some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak: 




	A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending 
	doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient 
	failed to fulfill his wellness potential." 

	Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American 
	Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous 
	arthropod vectors." 

	The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said 
	that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an 
	explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed 
	the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for 
	exposed personnel."   In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster 
	rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive. 

	A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed 
	anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 
	
	At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 
	mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." 
	That is, they were fired. 
	
	A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a 
	"formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman. 
	
	After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his 
	twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," 
	as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: 
	"We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm 
	Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual 
	laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly 
	nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; 
	they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always 
	go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using 
	the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. 
	
	The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini 
	with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." 
	The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle 
	product." 
	
	In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises 
	"semi-antique" rugs. 

	The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring 
	all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to 
	high school graduation. 
	
	Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our 
	society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." 
	
	Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department 
	of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route 
	markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't 
	work in a government agency. 
	
	It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's 
	"chronologically experienced citizens." 
	
	According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it 
	was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 
	






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