The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List
Dear Fellow Dog Enthusiast,
Does it seem like every time you try and post a question or comment
to a dog list, you get yourself into trouble? If so, then this list
is for you. If you religiously follow all of the rules on this
Official DON'T list, you'll never get in trouble again.
~~ The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List ~~
DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause aggression
problems down the road.
DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another word for
DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God had wanted dogs to
sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep
DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing with him all the
DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual dog requires
considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible
dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs.
DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs
is the minimum number for proper socialization.
DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil
capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value
whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust.
DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all the
DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw food contains
salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.
DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn his
DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get bopped on the
head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little
DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do with
dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.
DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a
microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo
DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief will cut off the
DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can
DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could get caught
on something and choke.
DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could run away
without any identification.
DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates don't
allow sufficient air flow.
DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident, a wire
crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you plan to have a
car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.
DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states.
DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.
DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital
DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints.
DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath would
send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.
DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a great dog, and he
deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.
DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with
temperament and health problems.
DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree. In
fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.
DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just don't!
DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact. He will rip one off jumping
a log or something, which is quite painful.
DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are acupuncture points
that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.
AND, the #1 DON'T ....
DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to determine
the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping
for a new hat.