The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List

Dear Fellow Dog Enthusiast,

Does it seem like every time you try and post a question or comment 
to a dog list, you get yourself into trouble?  If so, then this list 
is for you.  If you religiously follow all of the rules on this 
Official DON'T list, you'll never get in trouble again.

~~ The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List ~~

DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed.  It will cause aggression 
problems down the road.

DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate.  Crate is just another word for 
small cage.

DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night.  If God had wanted dogs to 
sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep 
them warm.

DON'T let your dog sleep.  You should be playing with him all the 

DON'T keep more than two dogs.  Each individual dog requires 
considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible 
dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs.

DON'T keep less than five dogs.  Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs 
is the minimum number for proper socialization.

DON'T feed your dog kibble.  Kibble is the invention of evil 
capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value 
whatsoever.  You might as well feed your dog sawdust.

DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken.  Cooking destroys all the 

DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken.  Raw food contains 
salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.

DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl.  It will turn his 
nose pink.

DON'T post messages to a dog list.  You will surely get bopped on the 
head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little 

DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick.  It has nothing to do with 
dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.

DON'T microchip your dog.  A nearby cell phone can cause a 
microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo 

DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear.  A dog thief will cut off the 
tattooed ear.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh.  He'll be a tripod before you can 
say Ginsu.

DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended.  He could get caught 
on something and choke.

DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar.  He could run away 
without any identification.

DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate.  Plastic crates don't 
allow sufficient air flow.

DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate.  In a car accident, a wire 
crate transforms into a doggie skewer.  On days you plan to have a 
car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.

DON'T let your dog drive.  It's against the law in many states.

DON'T enter your dog in conformation.  It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.

DON'T enter your dog in obedience.  It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital 

DON'T enter your dog in agility.  The jumps will injure his joints.

DON'T send your dog out with a handler.  Only a psychopath would 
send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.

DON'T handle your dog yourself.  You've got a great dog, and he 
deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.

DON'T get a purebred dog.  Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with
temperament and health problems.

DON'T get a mutt.  You don't know anything about their pedigree.  In 
fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.

DON'T don't.  That's right, you heard me, just don't!

DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact.  He will rip one off jumping 
a log or something, which is quite painful.

DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws.  Dewclaws are acupuncture points 
that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.

AND, the #1 DON'T ....

DON'T trim your dog's whiskers.  Dogs use their whiskers to determine 
the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping 
for a new hat.

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