Disney Gals Chat

   (Transcript of the Disney Heroine Round Table, 1996 Edition,
   held in King Stefan's Banquet Hall at Walt Disney World on Oct. 1, 1996,
   Snow White moderating.)
   Snow: Well, this is all tremendously exciting. Every decade or so, the
   nice folks at Disney sponsor a get-together with all the lead actresses
   of recent animated features. This gives us a chance to chat, exchange
   tips on how to clean house ...
   Jasmine: Allah, give me strength.
   Snow: ... and, over all, just get to know each other as girls.
   Belle: Women.
   Snow: Since I was the first full-length Disney heroine, they generally
   ask me to moderate. And I'd like to welcome this year's guests -
   Princess Jasmine from "Aladdin" ...
   Jasmine: Is this going to take long?
   Snow: Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" - and congratulations again on
   that Best Picture nomination.
   Belle: Thank you. We were robbed. Losing to a cannibal - now, what does
   that say about society and its priorities? In the words of Sartre ...
   Snow: And, of course, Ariel from "The Little Mermaid."
   Ariel: It's exciting to meet you, Snow.
   Snow: Thank you. Uhm, you're dripping on my clean floor.
   Ariel: Oh. Sorry.
   Snow: We _were_ also going to be joined by Olivia Flaversham, the plucky
   little heroine from "The Great Mouse Detective." But we had a bit of a
   mishap, because _some_one on the panel couldn't control her rather large
   kitty cat.
   Jasmine: Look, I already _said_ I was sorry. I'm no happier about it
   than anybody else. If the damned invitation had _said_ there were going
   to be mice running around, I wouldn't have brought Rajah along in the
   first place. OK? Let's move on.
   Snow: I must say, before we start, that I admit my breath is a bit taken
   away by the changes in clothing styles for Disney heroines. With your
   little harem outfit, Jasmine, and you, Ariel, with your - shells - and
   both of you with all that skin hanging out: It seems a trifle - what's
   the word?
   Belle: Sluttish?
   Ariel: Oh, well, thanks a lot! Big talk from someone whose idea of a
   good time is sitting around in an apron talking to sheep.
   Belle: You talk to fish.
   Ariel: But they talk back.
   Snow: Actually, I was going to say "daring" rather than "sluttish." But
   this really brings us to our first point of discussion: Namely, what do
   you think our role in movies today should be?
   Jasmine: I'll tell you what it _shouldn't_ be. It shouldn't be sitting
   around waiting for someone to "take you away from it all." I mean, come
   on. Could you see me singing, "Some day my prince will come"? Ack ack
   Snow: You don't have to stick your finger down your throat and gag,
   Jasmine. It happens to be a lovely song.
   Ariel: Jasmine's right. Life isn't something that happens
   to you. Life is what you make happen. You have to take control.
   That's what I did.
   Jasmine: Me, too.
   Belle: So did I.
   Jasmine: Oh, sure. Right.
   Belle: I did! Really!
   Ariel: Sure you did. First you walked around town, looking down your
   nose and talking about how provincial all these hard-working villagers
   are and how there has to be more to life than that. If Cruella De Vil
   had sung the exact same thing, people would have said it was the most
   arrogant song ever written.
   Belle: But ...
   Jasmine: And, while you said you want more out of life, you didn't _do_
   anything to get it.
   Belle: Yes, I did! I gave up my liberty, sacrificing for my father! I
   promised I'd stay a prisoner in the Beast's castle, forever!
   Ariel: Uh huh. And how long was it before you went running out the front
   door saying, "Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute?"
   A week? A month? A year?
   Belle: Uhm ... well, actually ... about three, four hours,
   maybe. But there are such things as promises made under
   duress, and they're not always binding. Perhaps it's
   Machiavellian, but even so -
   Jasmine: Well _there's_ a woman of her word. Some heroine.
   Snow: Ladies, I think we're getting off the topic.
   Jasmine: Me, I defied my father. I had the guts to go against what he
   said and run off.
   Ariel: Your father. Heh.
   Jasmine: What's that supposed to mean?
   Ariel: The two of you with your fathers. You defied yours, she
   sacrificed for hers. And you've both got these roly-poly, cute, comedy-
   relief fathers. Me, I've got the King of the Sea for mine. He throws
   around energy bolts and can bench press a whale. I'm the only one with
   real guts here.
   Belle: More guts than brains, that's for sure. Cutting deals with the
   Sea Witch. _There_ was a smooth move. Obviously, if you'd ever read
   anything by Marlowe, you'd have realized the folly of that.
   Snow: Belle, who are all these people you're talking about?
   Belle: Authors. Playwrights. Philosophers. Crack open a book, why don't
   you? You, too, Miss Turkish Trunks. And you too, Fishy.
   Ariel: I read books. Human books.
   Belle: Oh, right. You can't remember tough words like "feet" and you
   don't know why fire burns. How'd they miss having you on _Jeopardy_, I
   wonder. Oh, and here's a news flash for you: It's a fork, OK? A _fork_.
   You eat food with a fork. You don't comb your hair with it. If you
   combed your hair with it, it would be called a _comb_, not a _fork_. All
   right, Einstein?
   Jasmine: Some of us have royal duties to attend to and don't have a lot
   of time for books.
   Belle: That is _so_ typical. You three are just typical elitist examples
   of the societal class structure. All of you, born to royalty. Bored
   children of privilege.
   Snow: But you're royalty, too! At the end of the movie, you married ...
   uh ... what _was_ his real name?
   Belle: I ... don't know. Besides, I was talking about being born to
   entitlement. You lived your lives in castles, children of kings and
   queens - or at least kings, since there never seem to be any queens in
   Disney films. So you endured a couple of days of hardship, dabbling in
   the sort of life that I lived every single day, before you settled down
   with your prince. It's disgusting. Particularly you, Ariel, who totally
   subverted everything she was in order to be part of her man's world.
   Ariel: Oh, yeah? You looked pretty comfortable strutting around in that
   big yellow gown at the end. I didn't see you fighting to remain a
   Belle: That's all the underprivileged masses are to you, aren't they?
   Peasants? The Proletariat. In the words of Karl Marx -
   Ariel: Oh, Lord, here she goes again.
   Snow: Actually, this presents us with a topic that might not cause such
   bickering: Namely, what do you look for in a prince?
   Ariel: Well, for me, it was love at first sight. I watched him dancing,
   and talking, and ... I just knew.
   Jasmine: "I just knew. I just knew." A guy flashes a smile and a royal
   title at you, and you get mushy. Love at first sight is a convenient
   excuse not to think.
   Snow: Some of us, Jasmine, are fortunate enough to meet our prince and
   be drawn to him immediately. Others of us turn princes into kitty treats
   for our tigers.
   Jasmine: Some of us, Snow, _prefer_ thinking. Ariel, your prince was
   heroic enough, but about as thick as a brick.
   Ariel: Why, you ...
   Jasmine: And you, Snow: You never so much as _spoke_ to the guy. How
   could you _possibly_ have known he was the man for you? What about him
   could _possibly_ have drawn you to him?
   Snow: If you want to know why I love him so, it's in his kiss.
   Jasmine: _That's_ where it is?
   Belle: You're really pathetic, Snow, you know that? Not that I can stand
   Ariel or Jasmine, but Eric defeated Ursula, and Ariel went off with him.
   Aladdin defeated Jafar, and Jasmine married Aladdin. But the dwarves ...
   Snow: Dwarfs.
   Belle: Whatever. ... risked their lives for you - they adored you - and
   then some jerk prince comes along, gives you three seconds of liplock,
   and you abandon the dwarves ...
   Snow: Dwarfs.
   Belle: _Whatever!_ ... and go riding off with him. What an ingrate.
   Snow: *_Sniff._*
   Ariel: Oh, great. Now you made her cry.
   Jasmine: She's a big girl. She can take it.
   Ariel: That's about the kind of empathy I'd expect from someone who
   walks around in her pajamas all day.
   Jasmine: Fish Face.
   Ariel: Baklava Breath.
   Belle: Ah, the upper class, displaying their typical -
   Ariel and Jasmine: _Shut up!_
   _(A young blonde girl enters.)_
   Eilonwy: Excuse me? Am I too late for the meeting?
   Snow: Who (_sniffle_) who are you?
   Eilonwy: I'm Eilonwy. I'm a princess.
   Belle: Oh, terrific. Another example of the -
   Jasmine: I'm warning you, Belle: Rajah's still hungry.
   Snow: I'm sorry, dear. You're who?
   Eilonwy: Princess Eilonwy.
   Snow: Well ... I don't know who sent you here, but this is for Disney
   Eilonwy: But I _am_ a Disney heroine. I was in _The Black Cauldron_.
   _(Blank stares from everyone.)_
   Ariel: The what?
   Eilonwy: Based on "The Chronicles of Prydain" books ...
   Snow: Books? Belle, I hate to ask ...
   Belle: Oh, right, now they come groveling.
   Jasmine: Rajah! Time for din -
   Belle: OK, OK. It was a fantasy series by Lloyd Alexander.
   Eilonwy: Right! And I was in the movie!
   Jasmine: What movie?
   Eilonwy: Oh, come on, didn't _anyone_ see it? 1985? 80 minutes long?
   Supposed to usher in a new era of Disney animation?
   Ariel: Actually, _my_ film did that.
   Jasmine: Oh, aren't we full of ourselves.
   Eilonwy: Sword-and-sorcery epic? There was me and Taran the assistant
   pig-keeper, and Fflewddur Fflam ...
   Jasmine: You _must_ be joking.
   Snow: No, wait! I remember now. I got a ticket for an advance screening.
   But I was busy that night, so I sent Happy instead.
   Eilonwy: What did he think?
   Snow: He _hated_ it. I've never seen Happy complain that much - or at
   all. But he just kept talking about how awful it was. Grumpy finally had
   to slap him.
   Eilonwy: That's not fair! We were ground breaking!
   Belle: Poor spoiled princess, just like all the others. Boo-hoo.
   Jasmine: That's it. _Rajah!_
   Rajah: Rawwrrrrr!!
   Belle: Eeeeeekk!!
   _(Sebastian walks in.)_
   Sebastian: Ariel, da king wants to know how long - _eeepp_!
   Rajah: Raarrrr!
   Belle: Let me out! _Let me out!_
   Sebastian: Ohhh, mon!
   Ariel: Put him down! I mean it!
   Jasmine: Pajamas, huh?
   Snow: You know, these discussion groups used to be fun. Me and Cindy,
   we'd sit and chat for hours. Sure, Aurora would keep dozing off ...
   Belle: Shut up! Knock off that high-pitched little-girl voice! It's
   making me nuts! And get me the hell out of here!
   Snow: Well, I hope you'll all join us for our next discussion group -
   Sebastian: _Arrrieellll!_
   Rajah: *_Chomp_* *_Chomp_*
   Ariel: Jasmine! Make him spit him out! Right now!
   Snow: It's going to be called, "Life's a Bitch, and So Am I."
   Participants will be Lady from _Lady and the Tramp_, Perdita from _101
   Dalmatians_, and Georgette from _Oliver and Company_. I'm sure the fur
   will really fly. Thanks for coming. Hi ho, hi ho.
   Rajah: *_Urrrp._*

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