WARNING FROM LORI ------
THERE ARE SPOILERS ABOUT EPISODE 1 IN THIS JOKE!!!!!!!!! PLEASE DO
NOT READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO BE SURPRISED WITH CERTAIN ASPECTS OF
THE PLOT AND, ESPECIALLY, THE MOVIE ENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Or
if you want to save it until you've seen the movie, it made me laugh
It's coming! Put your ear to the page and listen...
BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM bom! Bom
bom bom bom . . . .
That's right: It's the theme from Star Wars, the movie series
that gave the world a whole new lexicon, including such phrases
as "the Force," "Death Star," "light saber," "lexicon" and
Star Wars has become an important and cherished part of our
shared cultural heritage, like Starbucks and Pez. And soon another
chapter will be added to the Star Wars legend with the release
of the long-awaited new installment in the series, entitled
Episode One: The Empire Gets a Building Permit. On the day this
movie is released, millions of Americans will flock to movie
theaters to share in the excitement and wonder of being told that
the theater is sold out through October because all the tickets
have been snapped up by crazed drooling Star Wars geeks wearing
officially licensed Han Solo underwear.
What explains the powerful appeal of the Star Wars series? Speaking
as one who saw Return of the Jedi on video at least 14,000 times
when my son was four and refused to watch anything else but also
refused to be left alone with Jabba the Hutt, I would say that the
key element is the theme of Good vs. Evil. Good is of course
represented by Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), who has the Force, a
mystical, universal power that causes him to be attracted to his
sister. Fortunately, Luke gets over that and meets a wise Jedi
master named Yoda (Raymond Burr) who trains Luke to harness the
awesome power of the Force so that he can speak lines of really bad
dialogue without laughing.
Along the way, Luke meets many memorable characters, including
Han Solo (Indiana Jones), Chewbacca (Sonny Bono), Princess
Leia (Prince) and two quirky, lovable robots, C-3PO (Tony Danza)
and R2-D2 (F7-Z9). After many hair-raising adventures, Luke finally
goes to the Death Star (Marlon Brando) where he confronts Evil in
the form of his father, Darth Vader (voice by Perry Como) and, in
a heartwarming scene of reconciliation, beats him up. The dramatic
climax comes when Luke removes the helmet from the dying Vader and
gazes, at last, into the eyes of the person beneath the harsh,
forbidding mask (Martha Stewart). In the end, Good triumphs over
Evil, and Luke and his friends celebrate on the planet of the Ewoks,
a race of fun-loving, short, hairy creatures (Robin Williams).
As humans, we relate to this timeless story because we all go
through the same kind of moral struggle in our own lives. We have a
Force within us, and sometimes we use it for Good, as when we decide
to have a salad instead of a cheeseburger and fries; but sometimes
we turn toward the Dark Side, as when we load up our salad with a
fatty ranch dressing, or we take all the remaining artichoke segments
from the salad bar, leaving none for the next person in line (Nick
These timeless themes explain why we are all so excited that
director George Lucas (Inc.) has decided, despite the very real risk
that he will make billions of dollars, to come out with a new episode
of Star Wars. Until recently, specific information about the new
episode was "Top Secret" -- nobody knew the plot except Lucas, the
actors, and of course the government of China. Fortunately, however,
I have obtained, from high-level sources who asked not to be
identified (Al and Tipper Gore) specific details on the plot. If you
don't want me to spoil the shocking surprise ending (Liam Neeson gets
killed), stop reading right now, because here is . . .
THE PLOT: There is big trouble brewing in the universe (California).
The evil and greedy Trade Federation (Microsoft) is planning to
invade the tiny planet of Naboo (Naboo), which is inhabited by a
race of strange frog-like beings (the House Judiciary Committee).
Two Jedi knights, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn (Siegfried and Roy) go to
Naboo, where, after overcoming numerous special effects, they are
joined by the Naboo queen (Dennis Rodman). They escape in a space
ship, but when the D'-cell batteries in their light sabers run low,
they are forced to land on the evil, Hutt-controlled planet of
Tatooine (New Jersey). There they meet 9-year-old Anakin Skywalker
(Danny DeVito), and they realize that he has the Force when he is
able, without physically touching it, to raise and lower a garage
door. After a meeting with the ancient Jedi Council (the Rolling
Stones), Anakin and the others return to Naboo for a climactic finale
in which Siegfried (Roy) battles with the evil warlord Darth Maul
(Marv Albert) to determine who will ultimately control the tie-in
rights for Star Wars collectibles (Pepsi). As the movie ends, we see
the young Anakin preparing to face an uncertain future consisting of
at least 14 more sequels, and we hear the stirring sound of . . .
BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM bom! Bom bom bom
bom . . . ...
. . . and we feel the Force welling up from deep inside ourselves.
And so we burp.