The Walt "You Will Have Fun" Disney World Themed Shopping Complex and Resort Compound

from Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need"

I'm an expert on visiting Disney World, because we live only four hours 
away, and according to my records we spend about three-fifths of our 
after-tax income there.  Not that I'm complaining.  You can't have a bad 
time at Disney World.  It's not *allowed*.  They have hidden electronic 
surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh 
with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a 
beloved Disney character, such as Goofy and make you walk around in the 
Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children 
until you have learned your lesson.  Yes, Disney World is a "dream 
vacation," and here are some tips to help make it "come true" for you!

WHEN TO GO: The best time to go, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

HOW TO GET THERE: It's possible to fly, but if you want the total Disney 
World experience, you should drive there with a minimum of four hostile 
children via the longest possible route.  If you live in Georgia, for 
example, you should plan a route that includes Oklahoma.

Once you get to Florida, you can't miss Disney World, because the Disney 
corporation owns the entire center of the state.  Just get on any major 
highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large 
enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who 
have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.  Be 
sure to note carefully where you leave YOUR car, because later you may want 
to sell it so you can pay for your admission tickets.

But never mind the price;  the point is that now you're finally THERE, in 
the ultimate vacation fantasy paradise, ready to have fun!  Well, okay, 
you're not exactly there YET.  First you have to wait for the parking-lot 
tram, driven by cheerful uniformed Disney employees, to come around and 
pick you up and give you a helpful lecture about basic tram safety rules 
such as never fall out of the tram without coming to a full and complete 

But now the tram ride is over and it's time for fun!  Right?  Don't be an 
idiot.  IT's time to wait in line to buy admission tickets.  Most experts 
recommend taht you go with the 47-day pass, which will give you a chance, 
if you never eat or sleep, to visit ALL of the Disney themed attractions, 
including the City of the Future, the Land of Yesterday,
The Dull Suburban Residential Community of Sometime Next Month, Wet 
Adventure, Farms on Mars, The World of Furniture, Sponge Encounter, the 
Nuclear Flute Orchestra, Appliance Island, and the Great Underwater Robot 
Hairdresser Adventure, to name just a few.

Okay, you 've taken out a second mortgage and purchaced your tickets! Now 
it's finally time to ... wait in line again!  This time, it's for the 
monorail, a modern, futuristic transportation  system that whisks you to 
the Magic Kingdom at nearly half the speed of a lawn tractor.  Along the 
way, cheerful uniformed Disney World employees will offer you some helpful 
monorail-safety tips such as never set fire to the monorail without first 
removing your personal belongings.

And now, at last, you're at the entrance to the Magic Kingdom itself!  No 
more waiting in line for transportation!  It's time to WAIT IN LINE TO GET 
IN.  Wow!  Look at all the OTHER people waiting to get in!  There are tour 
groups here with names like "Entire Population of Indiana."  There sure 
must be some great attractions inside these gates!

And now you've inched your way to the front of the line, and the cheerful 
uniformed Disney employee is stamping your hand with a special invisible 
chemical that penetrates your nervous system and causes you to temporarily 
acquire the personality of a cow.  "Moo!"  you shout as you surge forward 
with the rest of the herd.

And now, unbelievably, you're actually inside the Magic Kingdom!  At last! 
 Mecca!  You crane your head to see over the crowd around you, and with 
innocent childlike wonder you behold:  A MUCH LARGER CROWD.  Ha ha! You are 
having some kind of fun now!

And now you are pushing your way forward, thrusting other vacationers 
aside, knocking over their strollers if necessary, because Little Jason 
wants to ride on Space Mountain.  Little Jason has been talking about Space 
Mountain ever since Oklahoma, and by G-d, you're going to take him on it, 
no matter how long the .... My G-d!  Can THIS be the line for Space 
Mountain?  This line is so long that there are Cro-Magnon families at the 
front!  Perhaps if you explain to Little Jason that he could be a deceased 
old man by the time he gets on the actual ride, he'll agree to skip it and 
... NO!  Don't scream, Little Jason!  We'll just purchase some official 
Mickey Mouse sleeping bags, and we'll stay in line as long as it takes! 
 The hell with third grade!  We'll just stand here and chew our cuds! 

Speaking of education, you should be sure to visit Epcot Center, which 
features exhibits sponsored by large corporations showing you how various 
challenges facing the human race are being met and overcome thanks to the 
selfless efforts of large corporations.  Epcot also features pavilions 
built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely 
realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they 
consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

One memorable Epcot night, my family and I ate at the German restaurant, 
where I had several large beers and a traditional German delicacy called 
"Bloatwurst", which is a sausage that can either be eaten or used as a 
tackling dummy.  When we got out I felt like one of those snakes that eat a 
cow whole and then just lie around and digest it for a couple of months. 
 But my son was determined to go on a new educational Epcot ride called 
"The Body,"  wherein you sit in a compartment  that simulates what it would 
be like if you got inside a spaceship-like vehicle and got shrunk down to 
the size of a gnat and got injected inside a person's body.

I'll tell you what it's like:  awful.  You're looking at a screen showing 
an extremely vivid animated simulation of the human interior, which is not 
the most applealing way to look at a human unless you're attracted to white 
blood cells the size of motor homes.  Meanwhile the entire compartment is 
bouncing you around violently, especially when you go through the aorta. 
 "Never go through the aorta after eating German food,"  that is my new 
travel motto.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an HOUR to do this,  I could have 
experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my 
finger down my throat.

Which brings me to my idea for getting rich. No doubt you have noted that, 
in most amusement parks, the popularity of a ride is directly proportional 
to how horrible it is.  There's hardly ever a line for nice, relaxing rides 
like the merry-go-round.  But there will always be a huge crowd, mainly 
consisting of teenagers, waiting to go on a ride with a name like "The 
Dicer,"  where they strap people into what is essentially a giant food 
processor and turn it on and then phone the paramedics.

So my idea is to open up a theme park cakked "Dave World,"  which would 
have a ride called "The Fall of Death."  This will basically be a 250-foot 
tower.  The way it works is, you climp to the top, a trapdoor opens up, and 
you splat onto the asphalt below like a bushel of late-summer tomatoes.

Obviously, for legal reasons, I couldn't let anybody actually GO on this 
ride.  There would be a big sign that said:


But this would only make The Fall of Death more popular.  Every teenager in 
the immediate state would come to Dave World just to stand in line for it.

Dave World would also have an attraction called "ParentLand," which would 
have sign outside that said: "Sorry, Kids!  This attraction is for Mom 'n' 
Dad only!"  Inside would be a bar.  For younger children, there would be 
"Soil Fantasy,"  a themed play area consisting of dirt or as a special 
"rainy-day" bonus, mud.

I frankly can't see how Dave World could fail to become a huge financial 
success that would make me rich and enable me to spend the rest of my days 
traveling the world with my family.  So the hell with it.




You must be very careful here.  You might sneak out of Disney World in the 
dead of night, because the Disney people do NOT want you leaving the 
compound and spending money elsewhere.  If they discover that you've gone, 
cheerful uniformed employees led by Mickey Mouse's lovable dog Pluto, who 
will sniff the ground in a comical manner, will track you down.  And when 
they catch you, it's INTO THE GOOFY SUIT.

So we're talking about a major risk, but it's worth it for some of the 
attractions around Disney World.  The two best ones, as it happens, are 
right next to each other in a town called Kissimmee.  One of them is the 
world headquarters of the Tupperware company, where you can take a guided 
tour that includes a Historic Food Containers Museum.  I am not making this 

I am also not making up Gatorland, which is next door.  After entering 
Gatorland through a giant pair of pretend alligator jaws, you find yourself 
on walkways over a series of murky pools in which are floating a large 
number of alligators that appear to be recovering from severe hangovers, in 
the sense that they hardly ever move.  You can purchase fish to feed them, 
but the typical Gatorland alligator will ignore a fish even if it lands 
directly on its head.  Sometimes you'll see an alligator, looking bored, 
wearing three or four rotting, fly-encrusted fish, like some kind of High 
Swamp Fashion headgear.

This is very entertaining, of course, but the REAL action at Gatorland, the 
event that brings even the alligators to life, is the Assault on the Dead 
Chickens, which is technically known as the Gator Jumparoo.  I am also not 
making this up.  The way it works is a large group of tourists gathers 
around a central pool, over which, suspended from wires, are a number of 
plucked headless chicken carcasses.  As the crowd, encouraged by the 
Gatorland announcer, cheers wildly, the alligators lunge out of the water 
and rip the chicken carcasses down with their jaws.  Once you've witnessed 
this impressive event, you will never again wonder how America got to be 
the country that it is today.

And speaking of America, let's talk about taking children to one of this 
nation's many fine:




Forget it.  Your modern child is not interested in educational historic 
sites.  Your modern child has grown up with MTV and Nintendo;  he or she is 
not going to be enthralled by watching people in authentic uncomfortable 
colonial outfits demonstrate how families in 1750 used to make candles by 
spinning flax with a churn, or whatever the hell they did.  So you should 
avoid this kind of activity.  Also you should avoid stopping at those 
Historical Markers on the side of the highway that you can never read when 
you're driving past because hte letters are too small.  Here's what they 

	This historic marker was erected on this site in 1923 during the
	administration of Governor Rayford R "Scooter" Grommet, Jr. to
	commemeorate with great sadness the numerous innocent
	civilians who are almost definitely going to get hit by traffic when
	they stop their cars and get out and try to read these really tiny

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