Current Events

 "The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has
 promised 128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky
 gets a hair cut or something." - Conan O'Brien
 "The news this week is hot... even my Newsweek came in a plain brown
 wrapper." - Jay Leno
 "Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal.
 Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the
 pope's visit to Cuba." - Cutler Daily Scoop
 "A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al
 Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does
 and doesn't move." - Conan O'Brien
 "While he was campaigning for office, Clinton told young people they
 should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait
 for. Him." - Jay Leno
 "Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms
 what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating
 high paying jobs for young people." - Jay Leno
 "You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are
 underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only
 have to take a bullet for the president." - Jay Leno
 "Conspiracy buffs claim that the celebrity skiing accidents are
 actually a conspiracy... the trees were planted." - Humor Newsgroup
 "A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito
 instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat
 caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor's visits. In its
 defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would have happened if he'd
 gotten the bean burrito." - Unknown Source

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