A Bill Clinton Christmas

by Christopher M. Mislow

 'Twas late Christmas eve, and throughout the White House
 All slumbered but Socks (who was chewing a mouse)
 When all of a sudden a thunderous roar
 Rattled the East Wing from rafter to floor.
 Unsure if the noise was just gas or artillery,
 Bill Clinton took action: he deputized Hillary.
 In her robe and her slippers, she trudged to the source
 Of the noise and saw nothing, but then heard a coarse
 Texas twang from the fireplace clamor
 "Down here! Are y'all just as blind as those tinhorn reindeer?"

 There, on the hearth, 'midst the timber and tinder,
 Sat H. Ross Perot, all covered wit cinder.
 "Your flue," he complained, "is disgusting with soot.
 You gave far too many staff members the foot.
 Cutting budgets is wonderful; better is cheaper.
 But you need either Zoe's or Kimba's housekeeper.
 From ashes that thick, someone's breathing might fail.
 Thank goodness, like Bill, that I didn't inhale."

 santa5.gif - 6.96 K "Why, Ross," replied Hillary, "pray tell what is it
 To which Bill and I owe this Christmas Eve visit?
 You're certainly welcome to use the front door.
 Did you come down the chimney to hide from Al Gore?"

 Shaking the layer of ash from his head,
 Ross brushed his flattop, glowered and said:
 "No, Ma'am. I'm a shareholder in Santa Claus, Inc.,
 Whose dividends recently started to sink.
 When I finally cornered old Santa himself,
 He offered to hire me on as an elf!

 So I planned my attack, set my financing snares,
 Then bought all the company's outstanding shares.
 Christmas trees won't be all that get trimmed from now on;
 The era of deficit budgets is gone.
 The business is gonna be run right because
 All day, every day, now I am Santa Claus."

 From his inside coat pocket Ross whipped out a chart
 And a pointer he brandished with well-practiced art.
 "Now, you look at this. You see this here graph?
 The way Santa's workshop was run is a laugh.
 Those North Pole utility bills are a joke,
 And the union-scale wages will soon have us broke.
 We need much, much cheaper electrical power,
 And elves who don't make fifteen dollars an hour."
 For dramatic effectiveness, Ross took a pause,
 Then resumed his debut as the new Santa Claus.

 "Each new day brings another environment rule.
 Recycling toys is a pain in the Yule!
 The slogan 'keep the North Pole white'
 Is driving expenditures clear out of sight.
 Luckily, NAFTA provides a solution,
 A haven in which I can discharge pollution
 Into the air or the land of my neighbor,
 Where the power union committee:
 I'm moving the workshop to Mexico City."

 Then, in a twinkle, up the chimney he went,
 Back through the soot out the cold rooftop vent.
 But not before saying, with a wink and a nod,
 "Buenos noches, Miss Hillary, and Feliz Navidad!" 

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