Clash of the Titanic

by Eric D. Snider

	     Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big
	boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone
	is just now getting worked up about. Some of you -- I am speaking to
	the women here -- have seen this movie several times. And I would like
	to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately
	explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end
	differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your
	Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you
	see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to
	die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing
	on the way down.  I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual
	sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three
	times that long. (Note to reader : From the following choices, select
	the "this-movie-is-too- long" line you like best and go with it.) A.
	Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this
	movie. B. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie. C. I had
	to shave twice during this movie. D. Three Eastern European nations
	(Izikikstan, Checher, and Kudropabian) were formed while I was
	watching this movie.
	     As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened
	screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the 
	script for a shorter version of "Titanic." All I want in return is a 
	lot of money.

	(Scene 1)

	KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
	KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
		for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will 
		amount to nothing.

	KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of
		course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat 

	LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
		the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are 
		very pretty.

	KATE: Thank you. So are you.

	LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
		"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back 
		again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be 
		soaking wet.

	KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and 
		looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
		the boat sinks and people start dying.

	WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you 
		saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
		like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be 
		physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the 
		audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is 
		entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person 
		into the water.

	AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a 
		few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
		plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
		therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is 
		Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate.  But Leonardo is 
		handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his 
		side. Boo!)

	(Scene 2)
	LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
		your fiance.

	KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
		commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot 
		climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. 
		The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help 
		the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would 
		probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same 
		thing to me.

	AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

	LEONARDO: I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of course 
		you will have to take off all your clothes.

	KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
		successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not 
		stand for that sort of thing?

	LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
		film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in
		Provo will sell out.

	NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
		what happened.

	KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

	(Scene 3)

	FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

	CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

	ICEBERG: (hits boat)

	FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

	CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

	AUDIENCE: (silence)

	FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

	AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

	(Scene 4)

	LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.

	KATE: That is terrible.

	LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
	KATE: Certainly.

	WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me, I --

	AUDIENCE: Boo! Boo!

	WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. (to
		Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
		morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, 
		I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will 
		soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, 
		which I believe has been mentioned previously.

	LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

	WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
		Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway--

	AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

	LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

	AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

	WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

	(Scene 5)

	150-YEAR-OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
		fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if 
		it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on 
		an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, 
		he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years 
		old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that 
		Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your 
		loud music. Why, when I was -- hey!  Don't you walk away from 
		me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had 
		one. I'll beat  you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back 

	(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)

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