By George Carlin
"Its neither here nor there." Well, folks, its gotta be somewhere. I
certaily don't have it.
If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?
Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why
would you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? Does
it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in
Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug
overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought
him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to piss him off.
I'm sixty, and I don't need child-resistant caps on my medicine
bottles. They say, "Well, someone with children might come and ivsit
you." Fuck 'em! Let 'em take their chances. Anyone who visits me is
accepting a certain level of risk in the first place.
What clinic did Betty Ford go to?
I'd like to live in a country where the official motto was, "You
never know." It would help me relax.
"Blow your nose" is an interesting phrase. Because you don't really
*blow* your nose, you blow out through your nose. If you blew your
nose, I think they'd put you away. You might get someone else to
blow your nose, but he would have to be a really close friend. Or
Grown-ups have great power. They can order candy on credit over the
telephone and have it delivered. Wow.
It has become very easy to buy a gun. It used to be, "I have a gun,
give me some money." Now it's, "I have money, give me a gun."
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws and criminals will have
guns. Well, shit, those are precisely the people who need them.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just
enough money not to quit.
What year did Jesus think it was?
Life is a near-death experience.
I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should
be more to the point: "People who smoke will eventually cough up
small pieces of lung." And "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the
same asshole your father was."
The status quo always sucks.