Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshipper.
The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as
Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was
constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts
of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish
special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of
a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress
in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that
it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.