Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times

	Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God 
	had had an affair with a former worshipper. 

	The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as 
	Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last 
	week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.  Sources close to Mary 
	claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was 
	constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she 
	was "thrilled to have had his child." 
	In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, 
	saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts 
	of this story will come out in time, verily."

	Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief 
	with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover 
	questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and 
	whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his 
	illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as 
	the "Wise Men."  Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels 
	who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. 
	Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do 
	with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to 
	investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order 
	to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.  In recent months, 
	Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover 
	questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued 
	God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
	claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah 
	was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the 
	giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish 
	special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.  

	If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge 
	blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for 
	stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.  
	Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of 
	a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress 
	in a bill by Rep. Moses.  Critics of the bill have pointed out that 
	it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and 
	lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" 
	Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. 

Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page