Barbie's Letter to Santa
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK
TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or
I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like
to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and
me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec. or
even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it;
OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that