Bandersnatch Guide on How to Live Forever

by Hugh Holub

from Frumious Bandersnatch

	Americans are obsessed with their health.  If you eat right, quit
	smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and
	live well into your 90's.  It is, one should think, theoretically
	possible to live forever... if you live right.
	The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't
	eliminate all the risks of mortality.
	The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list
	of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life
	AVOID LIGHTNING:  A person has a better chance of being killed by
	lightning, than many other risks.  Stay inside, or in your car, when
	lightning is near.
	DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS:  Many lightning victims are killed
	on golf courses.  It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink
	than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.
	DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS:  Trains carry all kinds of
	nasty toxic chemicals.  Should a train derail and you are too close, you
	could be toast.  Avoid getting near trains.
	AVOID PEANUT BUTTER:  It is a little known fact that eating one peanut
	butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking
	water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.
	AVOID METEOR SHOWERS:  In the same probability range of dying from
	cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water
	quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite.  Stay inside during
	meteor showers.
	DON'T DRIVE:  Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile
	accidents.  If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve
	your chances of eternal life.
	DON'T FLY:  While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to
	drive, why take any chances?
	AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER:  Hundreds of people drown every
	year.  Don't go into the water.  Not even to bathe.
	DRINK THE WATER:  Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in
	America is drink tap water.
	STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY:  Skin cancer is becoming a major health
	risk.  Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay
	inside during daylight hours.
	CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON:  Obviously, staying inside your home as much
	as possible is a safe bet -- as long as your home isn't filled with
	radon gas.	

	NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY:  Many people are electrocuted in stupid
	accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light
	switch.  Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any
	GET RID OF YOUR GUNS:  More Americans are shot by their own guns than by
	guns owned by strangers.  A gunless home is a safer home.
	accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of
	gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems.  You'll
	have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck --
	people survived for millions of years without stoves or central
	heating.  It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you
	could get lung cancer from the woodsmoke.
	EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME:  Many fatalities are caused by home accidents --
	such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug.  Get rid of all
	your furniture, rugs and appliances.  An empty house is a safe house.
	EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS:  Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own
	meat.  Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and
	birds to hunt.
	DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR:  While it may not be politically
	correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply
	of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter.
	Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.
	MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS:  It is a well-known fact that many
	fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.
	INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY:  If you follow the previous
	suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own
	fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from
	CONCLUSION:  While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave
	person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done
	everything possible to live forever, and, as a bonus, you will no longer
	be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony
	with the natural environment.

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