Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

			
Part I

	16> "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty
	     pounds."

	15> "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had
	     a baby!"

	14> "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
	
	13> "Well, couldn't they induce labor?  The 25th is the Super Bowl."

	12> "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit
	     from that Richard Simmons fella."

	11> "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea.  Boy,
	     that's gotta hurt."

	10> "Whoa!  For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
	     Scott!"

	9> "I'm jealous!  Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

	8> "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
	
	7> "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

	6> "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

	5> "Got milk?"

	4> "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
	
	3> "Man!  That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

	2> "Retaining water?  Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."


	and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...


	1> "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."




			
Part II
  

	16> "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 
	     1985 where you left it."  

	15> "Keys are on the fridge, honey.  I'll see you at the 
	     hospital at half-time."  
	
	14> "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he 
	     didn't mean two orcas."  

	13> "Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"  

	12> "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"  

	11> "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks 
	     in Lamaze?"  

	10> "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"

	 9> "What's the big deal?  If you can handle *me* going in, 
	     surely you can handle a baby coming out."  

	 8> "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer,
	     willya?"  

	 7> "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"  

	 6> "That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin'
	     bakery!"  

	 5> "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat 
	     and unattractive."  

	 4> "Oh, this is just great!  Now, on top of everything else, 
	     child support."  

	 3> "Yo, Fatass!  You're blocking the TV!"  

	 2> "No, I don't know where the remote is!  Have you looked 
	     under your breasts?"  


	 and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...  


	 1> "I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10 
	     point buck and that's a reason to celebrate, too."  





	[ Both lists copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
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