Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife


Part I

16> "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15> "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" 14> "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13> "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl." 12> "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11> "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10> "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9> "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8> "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7> "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!" 6> "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5> "Got milk?" 4> "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3> "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2> "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife... 1> "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

Part II

16> "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it." 15> "Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at half-time." 14> "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas." 13> "Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!" 12> "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!" 11> "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?" 10> "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?" 9> "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out." 8> "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?" 7> "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?" 6> "That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!" 5> "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive." 4> "Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support." 3> "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!" 2> "No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?" and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife... 1> "I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10 point buck and that's a reason to celebrate, too." [ Both lists copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page