Attainable New Year's Resolutions
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more tv. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on hookers.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the
largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
13. Personal goal: bring back disco.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo
system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain
or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with
those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.