Rules of Apartment Living
1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do NOT answer the
call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your
boyfriend's cousin's sister's ex-best friend's father-in-law's
stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.
2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper
a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the
pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check
off a few boxes
b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are
aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be
called back at the callee's first free moment, the callee will
telepathically be aware of this
3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates
items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one
(case example: the spatula).
4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please,
certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in
house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you
are big enough to make a mess shouldn't obligate you to be big
enough to clean it up.
5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the
bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough
to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make
sure that you take a 40 minute shower -- it really stinks when a
roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.
6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times --
we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve
energy -- let other less important people do that.
7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates
room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's
important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your
8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to
whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again --
how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!
9. Never, ever,ever, ever empty the trash -- if your roommate won't do it,
just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so
why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?
10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her,
but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and
gas is free for all Summer Interns.
11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks
and in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can,
of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair
each and every time they go to the bathroom.
12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was
buried behind all the STUFF that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold
is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through
13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it
be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its
not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not
themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing
food, pretend you know nothing about it--you can always blame it
on the cookie monster.
14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them
when she leaves town--then DON'T bother wasting your time feeding
them. They're only fish, they probably won't need to eat anyways.
15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player
or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't
mind if you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all,
if it is not ours, why should you have to put it away??!!??
16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your
roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be.
She probably doesn't want to use HER pot anyway.
17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like
cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your roommate's
chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner
guest that it is YOUR food.
18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some
spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to
go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always
go to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and
don't tell them that you've given it away either until the ever so
friendly neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks YOU for
GIVING it to them.
19. If you think that you have an incredibly sexy body--show it off to your
roommates at any opportunity possible--walk around in your bra at
all times some people get really turned on by stuff like that.
20. Sometimes it can get really hot at night, especially when you find it
necessary to leave the air conditioning running at 80 degrees, so
try sleeping without any underwear on--your roommates are certain
to find looking at your bare behind a sight to remember.
21. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her
because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do
a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the city
b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible
c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten
time that you had.