The Fresher's Guide to Student-Spotting

by G.P.Keenor

This guide is intended to aid new students to categorise people around them,
so helping them to come to terms with their surroundings and develop
credibility a damn sight faster than would otherwise be possible. It has been
found in the past that certain freshers have been duped in to parting with
their money, their belongings, their virginity by crafty second year, third
year and postgraduate students masquerading as someone who they clearly, at
least to the experienced, are not.


1 : The Stiff (Borus Giganticum)

This person will be characterised by the complete lack of purpose in life 
other than to go to university, work their balls off, hopefully not dropping 
any marks at all in the entire course, gaining a first, doing a postgrad, 
getting a job working with  27,000 Quid PA, marry, have 2.4 lovely children 
and retire to a small cottage in Morecambe. He or she will wear brown cords 
and an arran jumper at the slightest provocation and will respond to the 
question "are you going out tonite?" with the remark "No, I've got  some 
extra-curricular AC response research to do. Maybe next term."  He or she can 
also be spotted at exam results postings weeping quietly because they only 
got 99/100 in the Apollo Mentor graphics assessment. The male variety is much 
more common and can be found in particular abundance on Physics and Maths 

2 : The Arty - Farty (Hashum Jointicus)

This type is unfortunately an endangered species at Salford due to its
science base but the breed can be found in relative abundance at other 
Manchester institutes. They are recognised by their insistence on carrying a 
folder containing blank paper everywhere with them, even to nightclubs. They
generally hang round Uni bars, sitting on the floor in circles even where seats 
NOTE : THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHERE TO GET DRUGS. They often take part in various
political organisations within the Uni, championing varied causes such as
anti-pollution, anti whale-slaughter and anti-not-being-very-nice-to-little

3 : The Dosser (Bastardica Lazyum)

A lot of debate has gone on among the student-studying community as to why
these people actually go to university. The conclusions have been agreed as
the following:

                      1)Cheap beer,
                      2)Casual sex,
                      3)The chance to brag to their
                          "less fortunate" mates back home,

in that order. These are the ones who, when you get talking to them in the
first week, tell you that "Courses generally are a load of crap, I go to f.
all lectures, never been to a tutorial, flunked me exams, not a jot of revision,
too much drinking blah blah blah........". They can easily be recognised by
their enormous overdrafts and comatose state in the few lectures they do
attend. However these people ARE worth getting to know since they can give
you a complete rundown of the best bars, clubs, brothels etc in town. Just 
don't lend them any money.

4 : The CompSci (Softwarum Termini)

This lot are generally characterised by being very, VERY strange. Although it
is categorically denied by all major institutes, it is clear that all potential 
computer science students have to undergo a rigorous psychological examination,
and that only those diagnosed as paranoid schitzophrenics, kleptomaniacs,
neurotics or psychopaths are allowed on the course. They can be seen in the
computing department of any higher education institute library, hunched over
terminals with a look on their face as if they have just been told they've
got a deckchair up their rectum. DO NOT under any circumstances approach, or
attempt to talk to these people. You don't know and don't want to know where
they've been.

5 : The Lager Lout (Holsteni Shitfacedus)

Many freshers have problems telling the difference between Dossers and Lager
Louts, but whereas the Dosser just doesn't give a toss, the Lager Lout will
go to almost any lengths to achieve their aims. Loud, obnoxious, always
telling you how many pints they downed last night, these people can be a bit 
annoying but are always useful as someone to laugh at, or to wind up. On no 
account believe the wildly exaggerated stories of sexual exploits these people 
may insist on telling you. They're bullshit.

6 : The Mommys Boy (Homus Homus)

Even the most fresh-faced Student-spotter will have no trouble identifying
this species. So pale as to be almost translucent, they refuse to admit to
themselves that they have now left home and are regarded as adults, and
consequently spend their entire time at university either shut in their rooms
working on some dodgy thesis or travelling home on the train (every weekend).
The only reason for befriending one of these is to obtain access to the
monstrous quantities of food which they get from home every week.

7 : The Leech (Slimus Slimus)

There are several subspecies of the Leech as outlined below but they all have
one thing in common: a burning desire for friends. They will do almost ANYTHING
to obtain them. Born without a personality, they instead resort to bootlicking
tactics as a pathetic attempt to gain popularity. You know the sort - always
asking you where you are going tonite and can they come? They will follow you
around like mongrels given the tiniest amount of encouragement.  These 
unfortunate people are destined for a life of being used for homework copying, 
carrying peoples bags for them and other such menial tasks, which they will 
carry out happily in the knowledge that they are 'gaining popularity all the 
time'. For more experienced spotters the following subspecies may be looked

                   1)The Braindead Leech (Slimus Vacantum)

                   2)The OTT Leech (Slimus Enthusiastici)

                   3)The Strange Leech (Slimus Oddballus
                              - often on CompSci courses)

Researchers have now come to the conclusion that the normal, well-adjusted
and well balanced student is becoming something of an endangered species due 
to the increasing influx of wierdos, dropouts, oddballs and freaks into
educational institutions. The problem seems to be that, as more freaks are
taken in, more normal people are put off uni. for life by the lifeforms they 
see on open days.Therefore it is a viscious circle with only one outcome: All
institutes, and therefore ultimately the country, are run entirely by pricks.
Do your bit for the plight of the student by sending any donations to:

        The Save The Student campaign,
         c/o G.P.Keenor,
          «redundant email address»

The following methods of payment are acceptable:
                           American Express,
                          LEA Grant Cheques,
                            Sexual Favours,
                   Alcohol (Do Not Send Second Class).

In case you are wondering which category the author of this falls into,
it is very definitely the third. Why else would I waste good study time
writing this? Send your comments, suggestions, sexual offers, insults etc 
to me at the above address.


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