Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy When You're at Home

	1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication 
		should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least 
		three weeks, discarding two of five.

	2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: 
		people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul 
		language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

	3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the 
		outside world.  Have a neighbor bring you a TIME, NEWSWEEK, or
		PROCEEDINGS from five years ago to keep you abreast of current 

	4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information
		(ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)

	5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people 
		using the same commode.

	6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

	7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press 
		one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

	8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald 
		or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

	9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure 
		that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

	10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play
		music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to 
		your favorite CD.

	11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed.  Add 
		a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a
		good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off 
		the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the 
		smell of your bunkmate's socks.

	12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of 
		sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew
		bump around and wake you up.  Place your bed on a rocking table so 
		you are tossed around the remaining three hours.  Make use of a 
		custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, 
		helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.

	13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and
		wait two weeks before eating them.

	14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, 
		or none at all.  Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three

	15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run 
		around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

	16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a
		'black water system' boo-boo.

	17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the 
		faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. 
		Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in 
		the bathroom.

	18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take 
		an appliance apart and put it back together.

	19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, 
		white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

	20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure
		one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

	21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate 
		collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

	22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it 
		is hard and stale.

	23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the 
		city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, 
		and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many 
		as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest
		possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because 
		you dress funny and don't speak right.

	24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

	25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket
		for warmth.

	26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides 
		water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak
		trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 
		-2 to 95 deg C.

	27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

	28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it
		or not.

	29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, IT'S AN ADVENTURE!'

	30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on 
		the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown 
		into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

	31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you 
		know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over
		anything pertinent.

	32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator.  Check 
		the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure
		checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO 
		NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks.  Inform your neighbor 
		as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the 
		checks because he did not see you perform them.

	33. Paint your house gray (exterior) include windows except for rooms you 
		do not frequent, paint your car gray, paint your driveway a
		different shade of gray.

	34. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. 
		Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger 
		sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him.
		Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your

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