Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy When You're at Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication
should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least
three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like:
people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul
language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the
outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a TIME, NEWSWEEK, or
PROCEEDINGS from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information
(ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people
using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press
one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald
or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure
that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play
music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to
your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add
a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a
good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off
the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the
smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of
sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew
bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table so
you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a
custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens,
helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and
wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for,
or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run
around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a
'black water system' boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it.
Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take
an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray,
white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure
one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate
collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it
is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the
city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place,
and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many
as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest
possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because
you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides
water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak
trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from
-2 to 95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, IT'S AN ADVENTURE!'
30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on
the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown
into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you
know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over
32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check
the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure
checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO
NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor
as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the
checks because he did not see you perform them.
33. Paint your house gray (exterior) include windows except for rooms you
do not frequent, paint your car gray, paint your driveway a
different shade of gray.
34. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere.
Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger
sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him.
Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your
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