Mom's 25 Survival Tips
1. Don't try to live with anyone who insists on alphabetizing your
2. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your
own good," expect the worst.
3. Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving a pickup truck
with a gun rack.
4. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it
5. When a politician says, "Let me make something perfectly
clear..." remember that he usually won't.
6. After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone
will think it's cute. Take advantage of this.
7. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for all
of the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
8. Don't wait for the funeral to say something kind or nice about
9. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your
attic and basement forever.
10. If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the evening
news, don't do it.
11. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it
into words," he doesn't know what he means.
12. Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top bunk.
13. If a man has to hire a public relations firm to shape his image,
he doesn't know who he is, and more important, he doesn't want you
to find out.
14. The only receipt you don't save is the only one you'll need
15. If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you
probably made someone else's day...maybe even their week. Think of
your humiliation as an act of charity.
16. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when
you're taking a shower.
17. The value of a cat is its utter indifference to its owner's
18. Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators, because you
won't have an excuse not to clean there.
19. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend; you can't
pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own
shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
20. Think like a good actor: Observe, observe, observe.
21. It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's snowsuit will
cause her to wet her pants. There is no known cure for this.
22. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it
is to be idiotic.
23. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote control in
the same room at the same time.
24. If you want to hid candy bars so you can eat them after the kids
are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled
25. And know when to leave the stage, Like right now.
Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page