Mom's 25 Survival Tips


	1. Don't try to live with anyone who insists on alphabetizing your
		spice rack.

	2. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your
		own good," expect the worst.

	3. Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving a pickup truck
		with a gun rack.

	4. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it
		whole.

	5. When a politician says, "Let me make something perfectly
		clear..." remember that he usually won't.

	6. After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone
		will think it's cute.  Take advantage of this.

	7. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas.  They make up for all
		of the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

	8. Don't wait for the funeral to say something kind or nice about
		someone.

	9. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your
		attic and basement forever.

	10. If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the evening
		news, don't do it.

	11. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it
		into words," he doesn't know what he means.

	12. Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top bunk.

	13. If a man has to hire a public relations firm to shape his image,
		he doesn't know who he is, and more important, he doesn't want you
		to find out.
	
	14. The only receipt you don't save is the only one you'll need
		later.

	15. If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you
		probably made someone else's day...maybe even their week.  Think of
		your humiliation as an act of charity.
	
	16. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when
		you're taking a shower.

	17. The value of a cat is its utter indifference to its owner's
		importance.

	18. Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators, because you
		won't have an excuse not to clean there.

	19. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend; you can't
		pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own
		shoulder.  Find a real friend instead.

	20. Think like a good actor:  Observe, observe, observe.
	
	21. It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's snowsuit will
		cause her to wet her pants.  There is no known cure for this.
	
	22. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it
		is to be idiotic.
	
	23. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote control in
		the same room at the same time.
	
	24. If you want to hid candy bars so you can eat them after the kids
		are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled
		"Fish."
	
	25. And know when to leave the stage, Like right now.






Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page