All You'll Ever Need to Know About Gardening
(Or the real truth about that funny place round the back)
Aaaa - Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee
trapped in said gardener's trouser leg.
Annual - Any plant that dies before blooming.
Aphid - Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes
gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their feet, and
utter four-letter words.
Bed - 1. Where most prized flowering perennials are
2. Where most gardeners are located when they hear
rabbits in 1.
Catalogues - Forms of entertaining fiction published by nurseries,
seedsmen and tool manufacturers.
Dog - 1. Familiar domestic quadruped, whose main hobby is
palaeontology. declares squatter's rights and
buries its favorite specimins under your most
2. Device with tooth which penetrates or grips
object and detains it.(Usually leg of
Easter Sunday - Traditional planting time in many parts of the
Easter Monday - Traditional time to dig up and dispose of plants
killed by unexpected hard frost of previous night.
Fence - Barrier erected to protect garden produce against
animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth or brains
and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly.
Fertilizer - Plant food. The feeding procedure is complicated but
the few essential facts about fertilizers can be
mastered quickly. Just remember the numbers three,
two and five. They refer to: The three basic types -
messy, stinky and messy/stinky; the two sizes
available - trial (four ounce packet) and
economy (220 pound sack); and the five methods of
application - too much, too little, too early, too
late and wrong kind.
Fruit - General term for the seed-bearing part of a plant
that is eaten by birds or worms, drops off, rots,
gets funny spots, isn't what was pictured in the
catalogues, tastes like a glove or doesn't appear at
Furrow - Horizontal line on forehead of a gardener.
Garden - One of the vast number of free outdoor restaurants
operated by charity-minded amateurs to provide
healthfull,balanced meals for insects, birds and
Hoe - Gardening tool whose name derives from the fact that
when its blade is stepped on, its handle delivers a
sharp rap to the gardener's brow, at which point he
Hose - Crude but effective, totally safe type of scythe
towed through gardens to flatten flower-beds.
Injuries - Accidental mishaps from careless use of various
implements which nurserymen guarantee easy to use.
Jumper - Ragged garment favoured by gardeners that usually has
plenty of ventilation especially at the elbows.
Kneeling - Prone position of gardener when praying for rain
during frequent drought periods that occur when
plants need extra moisture to sustain growth.
Lament - Song sung by gardeners, generally off key, to
encourage plants to grow.
Mulch - Material placed round the base of a plant to keep it
moist and warm. Wood chips, leaf matter and even
unwanted printed matter may be used.
Nursery - The only known place where money grows on trees.
Onion - Useful culinary plant that comes in different sizes,
guaranteed to cure dry-eye syndrome.
Perennial - Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed
year after year.
Potato - The ideal vegetable. Not bitter,stringy pulpy, or
gritty, it can be boiled, fried, baked, roasted,
creamed or mashed. It is even tasty served as a salad.
Best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are
available all the year round at very reasonable
prices, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to
grow them - in fact, there is a very good reason not
Potato blight - The very good reason not to.
Quarrel - A form of heated dialogue between rival gardeners.
Root - 1. Subsurface part of a weed inadvertently left in
the ground when the upper portion is removed, thus
resulting in the weed's speedy regrowth.
2. Subsurface part of an ornamental shrub, or tree a
small portion of which is inadvertently left in
the ground when the said plant is transplanted,
resulting in the plant's rapid death.
Rot - Gardening advice.
Seed - Highly nutritious form of bird food in handsome
Stake - Hard, tasteless garden product that generally
constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by
rabbits, birds, squirrels and other inhabitants of the
space a gardener thought he had vacant possesion of.
Tools - Gardening implements that have a distinct life-cycle:
ACTIVE PHASE (one to twelve weeks), marked by
appearance of blisters on hands and bruises on legs
of user; METAMORPHOSIS PHASE (12 to 14 weeks),
during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point
where it is joined to the metal working-end; and
DORMANT PHASE (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by the
two halfs of the tool in a dark corner of a shed.
Umbrella - Folding circular cover of silk, nylon, etc., on stick,
carried in hand to protect against rain. Varieties
are available all year round. Most prolific between
the months of April to September (this is known as
the growing season or Summer.)
Vermin - Any creature that eats green vegetables voluntarily.
Weed - Any plant that will survive at least one week without
being fertilized, watered, pruned, sprayed, staked,
misted mulched, dusted or wrapped in sacking, paper
Xylocarpous - Having fruit that becomes hard or woody. A condition
common to most fruits that do appear.
Yawn - A reaction common to most gardeners who have mastered
the art of deck-chair assembly.
Zssss - 1. Sound produced by dozing gardener in deck-chair.
2. sound produced by bee trapped in dozing gardener's
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