All You'll Ever Need to Know About Gardening

(Or the real truth about that funny place round the back)

	Aaaa            -       Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee 
				trapped in said gardener's trouser leg.

	Annual          -       Any plant that dies before blooming.
	Aphid           - 	Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes 
				gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their feet, and 
				utter four-letter words.

	Bed             -       1. Where most prized flowering perennials are 
                        	2. Where most gardeners are located when they hear 
				   rabbits in 1.

	Catalogues      -       Forms of entertaining fiction published by nurseries, 
				seedsmen and tool manufacturers.

	Dog             -       1. Familiar domestic quadruped, whose main hobby is 
				   palaeontology. declares squatter's rights and 
				   buries its favorite specimins under your most
				   prized shrubs.
	                        2. Device with tooth which penetrates or grips 
				   object and detains it.(Usually leg of 
				   unsuspecting gardener.)

	Easter Sunday   -       Traditional planting time in many parts of the 

	Easter Monday   -       Traditional time to dig up and dispose of plants 
				killed by unexpected hard frost of previous night.

	Fence           -       Barrier erected to protect garden produce against 
				animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth or brains 
				and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly.

	Fertilizer      -       Plant food. The feeding procedure is complicated but 
				the few essential facts about fertilizers can be 
				mastered quickly. Just remember the numbers three, 
				two and five. They refer to: The three basic types - 
				messy, stinky and messy/stinky; the two sizes 
				available - trial (four ounce packet) and 
				economy (220 pound sack); and the five methods of 
				application - too much, too little, too early, too 
				late and wrong kind.

	Fruit           -       General term for the seed-bearing part of a plant 
				that is eaten by birds or worms, drops off, rots, 
				gets funny spots, isn't what was pictured in the
                         	catalogues, tastes like a glove or doesn't appear at 

	Furrow          -       Horizontal line on forehead of a gardener.

	Garden          -       One of the vast number of free outdoor restaurants 
				operated by charity-minded amateurs to provide 
				healthfull,balanced meals for insects, birds and 

	Hoe             -       Gardening tool whose name derives from the fact that 
				when its blade is stepped on, its handle delivers a 
				sharp rap to the gardener's brow, at which point he 
				cries "Ho!"

	Hose            -       Crude but effective, totally safe type of scythe 
				towed through gardens to flatten flower-beds.

	Injuries        -       Accidental mishaps from careless use of various 
				implements which nurserymen guarantee easy to use.

	Jumper          -       Ragged garment favoured by gardeners that usually has 
				plenty of ventilation especially at the elbows.

	Kneeling        -       Prone position of gardener when praying for rain 
				during frequent drought periods that occur when 
				plants need extra moisture to sustain growth.

	Lament          -       Song sung by gardeners, generally off key, to 
				encourage plants to grow.

	Mulch           -       Material placed round the base of a plant to keep it 
				moist and warm. Wood chips, leaf matter and even 
				unwanted printed matter may be used.

	Nursery         -       The only known place where money grows on trees.

	Onion           -       Useful culinary plant that comes in different sizes, 
				guaranteed to cure dry-eye syndrome.

	Perennial       -       Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed 
				year after year.

	Potato          -       The ideal vegetable. Not bitter,stringy pulpy, or 
				gritty, it can be boiled, fried, baked, roasted, 
				creamed or mashed. It is even tasty served as a salad. 
				Best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are 
				available all the year round at very reasonable 
				prices, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to 
				grow them - in fact, there is a very good reason not 

	Potato blight   -       The very good reason not to.

	Quarrel         -       A form of heated dialogue between rival gardeners.

	Root            -       1. Subsurface part of a weed inadvertently left in 
				   the ground when the upper portion is removed, thus
                         	   resulting in the weed's speedy regrowth.
                        	2. Subsurface part of an ornamental shrub, or tree a 
				   small portion of which is inadvertently left in 
				   the ground when the said plant is transplanted, 
				   resulting in the plant's rapid death.

 	Rot             -       Gardening advice.

 	Seed            -       Highly nutritious form of bird food in handsome 

	Stake           -       Hard, tasteless garden product that generally 
				constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by 
				rabbits, birds, squirrels and other inhabitants of the
				space a gardener thought he had vacant possesion of.

	Tools           -       Gardening implements that have a distinct life-cycle: 
				ACTIVE PHASE (one to twelve weeks), marked by 
				appearance of blisters on hands and bruises on legs 
				of user; METAMORPHOSIS PHASE (12 to 14 weeks),
                         	during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point 
				where it is joined to the metal working-end; and 
				DORMANT PHASE (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by the
                         	two halfs of the tool in a dark corner of a shed.

	Umbrella        -       Folding circular cover of silk, nylon, etc., on stick, 
				carried in hand to protect against rain. Varieties 
				are available all year round. Most prolific between 
				the months of April to September (this is known as 
				the growing season or Summer.)

	Vermin          -       Any creature that eats green vegetables voluntarily.

	Weed            -       Any plant that will survive at least one week without 
				being fertilized, watered, pruned, sprayed, staked, 
				misted mulched, dusted or wrapped in sacking, paper 
				or plastic.

	Xylocarpous     -       Having fruit that becomes hard or woody. A condition 
				common to most fruits that do appear.

	Yawn            -       A reaction common to most gardeners who have mastered 
				the art of deck-chair assembly.

	Zssss           -       1. Sound produced by dozing gardener in deck-chair.
                        	2. sound produced by bee trapped in dozing gardener's 
				   trouser leg.

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