Saying Goodbye the 90s Way
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the
dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over
is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week."
But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's
affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw
things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all
the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy.
You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel
from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without
ever reading it.
What could be more painless?
Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they
need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of
well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please
allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the
(men will check those that apply)
_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay
for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the
truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the
______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after
I opened the passenger side door for you.
______My breasts are bigger than yours.
______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this
small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and
danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable
and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to
shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me,
your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so
it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.