First Day In Hell
by Mr. Bean
Hello, nice to see you all again.
As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.
Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.
Are there any questions?
No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid
if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy
yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.
Right, let's split you up then.
Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?
Off we go...
Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please,
thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.
Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.
AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into
perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.
The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding
them in purgatory for the last 9 months.
Sodomites, over there against the wall.
Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
Methodists that is.
Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.
Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
take a joke after all.
Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of
exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here.
Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an
exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off
their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of
Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,
chains, and electrodes.