The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List

13> Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics 

12> Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class
    tickets for urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.

11> 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole
    2) Go to The Gap
    3) Buy Trans Am
    4) Grow goatee
    5) Hire interns.

10> Switch to new, cooler nickname: "Salamander"

9> Now that I've got some time, put flowers on first wife's

8> Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make
    a couple of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.

7> Dismantle social programs: Done.  
    Restructure tax laws to further benefit the 
       wealthy: Done.  
    Have democratically-elected President impeached for 
       getting some: ...Damn!
6> Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.

5> Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.

4> Promote newest book:  "Quitting for Dummies"

3> Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.

2> Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about "3 Windbags" mega-tour.

    and Top5's Number 1 Item on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List...

1> Tell Democrats that their lips "can make a contract 
    with my ass."

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