The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
13> Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics
12> Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class
tickets for urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.
11> 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole
2) Go to The Gap
3) Buy Trans Am
4) Grow goatee
5) Hire interns.
10> Switch to new, cooler nickname: "Salamander"
9> Now that I've got some time, put flowers on first wife's
8> Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make
a couple of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.
7> Dismantle social programs: Done.
Restructure tax laws to further benefit the
Have democratically-elected President impeached for
getting some: ...Damn!
6> Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.
5> Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.
4> Promote newest book: "Quitting for Dummies"
3> Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.
2> Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about "3 Windbags" mega-tour.
and Top5's Number 1 Item on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List...
1> Tell Democrats that their lips "can make a contract
with my ass."
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