10 Best Tools of All Time

	Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need  it.
	Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix  any car, 
	any place, any time.

	1.  Duct Tape - Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife
	    in stickum and plastic. Its safety wire, body material, radiator
	    hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in an easy to
	    carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in
	    concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from
	    LeMans winning Porches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. the
	    only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a
	    phone booth.

	2.  Vice Grips - Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
	    wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it
	    falls-off tool. the heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips
	    are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
	    beyond repair.

	3.  Spray Lubricants - A considerably cheaper alternative to new
	    doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig 
	    phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the 
	    Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an 
	    integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube 
	    that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one 
	    of the 10 worst tools of all time).

	4.  Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids - If you spend all you time under
	    the hood looking for A frendle pin that caromed off the petal
	    valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you
	    eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable
	    oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts
	    containers afterward. (some of course chuck the butter-colored goo
	    altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air
	    cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a
	    time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

	5.  Big Rock at the Side of the Road - Block up a tire. Smack corroded
	    battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types
	    on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs
	    the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only
	    tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with
	    the user's maiming.

	6.  Plastic Zip Ties - After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and
	    wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked
	    up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can
	    transform a hulking mass of amateur quality wiring from a working
	    model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely
	    resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When
	    buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.

	7.  Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver - Let's admit it. There's
	    nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting
	    or mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver particularly
	    when weilded with gusto and a big hammer.  This is also the tool
	    of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only
	    be removed by driving a stage in one side and out the other. If
	    you break the screwdriver-and you will just like Dad and you shop
	    teacher said-who cares if it has a lifetime guarantee.
	8.  Bailing Wire - Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
	    wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct
	    tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders since it works
	    so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing
	    again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles,
	    particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
	9.  Bonking Stick - This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy
	    ends is technically known as a tie-rod-separator, but how often do
	    you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. 
	    Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose
	    application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge
	    flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel
	    or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick.
	    (Can also be use to separate Tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
	    but does a lousy job of it).

	10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above

Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page